2017 - A Personal Reflection

I sit here in my favorite orange chair gazing on the grasses gently moving in the December breeze and the texture of the water as visiting ducks glide past my window. Reflecting on the pattern of the year that passes at midnight tonight, I see the texture the events of 2017 has wrought in my life.

A rough and weathered landscape ever so slowly being rearranged; shift some sand over there, a little less here, churn those pebbles a little more, see what rises to the surface.  Gouge out a whole section there and dump it up the beach aways! Pile some logs and debris up the bank a little more!

Yes, that describes the constant change in life over the last year. Yours, too, I imagine as we share the fact of being human. 

Always questioning...

Am I really in the right profession?
Can I make it through this evaluation process?
Teaching is far more complex than it used to be...
Dig in and just do the hard work - study, read, take notes, change perspective, go to meetings, plan, toss whatever is not absolutely necessary (whether real or imagined).
What?! Still stuck in those sabotaging patterns?!
Panic!!! Help!

Yes, as a matter of fact, I am in the right profession, though I could say a lot about the state of it at this juncture. Yes, I can make it through successfully! Doing the hard work is what it takes, and, yes, it is worth it as I am a stronger and better for it. Yes, I still get caught in old habit loops; who doesn't? What I do about it is what matters - stay stuck or mindfully examine and make the necessary changes that promote happiness and healthier relationships.

Really, this past year has been a tough one personally and professionally. Last school year ended on an unfinished and not-so-positive note, but due to hard work and the love and support of Liz and Chuck, I'm turning that around. Learning more about mindfulness practice and actually doing it, bit by bit, is having a profound impact in me, too. It is the single most successful practice I have found to change thinking patterns and behavioral habits. 

Highlights of the year:

• Liz graduating! And, she and Chuck moved to the beach for good!
• Short road trip to visit my mom in Idaho and hanging in Couer d'Alene for a bit.
• Beach walks and agate hunting.
• Reading... prolific reading both professional and personal.
• Bike rides on the less windy days.
• Gardening - love our lavender and rosemary and making our yard pretty.
• Sitting in the swing in the sunshine.
• Hosting a 'free' garage sale!
• Lunch with Jacob!
• A day in Poulsbo with Kris!
• Terra Cotta Warriors in Seattle.
• Liz and Chuck's invaluable help setting up and volunteering in my classroom (I've never had it so good)! 
• A group of 19 funny third graders.
• Each moment of complete awareness of what is actually happening now (sounds ethereal, but it isn't really!).
• Sunrises, sunsets, beautiful drives, street fairs, burgers at the Grizz, laughter and intellectual conversation with the best of friends!
• Discovering the value of my bullet journal (Bujo)! Thank you, Liz!
• The Last Jedi, Episode VIII!

My wish for the new year:

Let understanding triumph over ignorance,

Let generosity triumph over indifference,

And truth triumph over falsehood.

Patriotism

I question the idea of patriotism. As a public school teacher, this presents a conundrum as I am expected to lead my students in the Pledge of Allegiance periodically. Following the election results, I could not recite it with the school during our Veteran's Day assembly. I simply could not.

Frankly, I am ashamed to be an American these days. Our country has become the laughing stock of the world. We deserve to have this man as our leader. I have felt fearful and despairing throughout this election cycle, especially when I was told who had won... not that I wanted the other candidate either. She is no better, yet somehow it felt safer in my mind. Perhaps because not much would have changed whereas now, we don't know what changes are coming - the possibilities are alarming.

In my searching for acceptance of what is, I was talking with a friend who offered another perspective I hadn't considered. She said that as horrible as it is, in a way she's glad because it has brought into the open the racism, misogyny, sexism, the fear and the hate that have been simmering below the surface of our country. Now perhaps we can have conversations about it as a nation and maybe begin to deal with it. I'm rather skeptical about anything good happening, personally, but it's so often the case that things must get worse before they get better. It will be messy no matter what.

I came across this quote from our own Statue of Liberty in a blog post, too:

"Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!" - Emma Lazarus

What the hell happened?! Frankly, while there have been times in our history when the downtrodden have been helped and welcomed on our shores from turmoil in their home countries, when good has come from our struggles (ie, Women's Suffrage, the Civil Rights Movement, Feminism), there have always been major issues throughout our history. The most egregious and widespread of these, in my mind, is that of Native Americans. While I have native heritage, I did not grow up in that subculture, and I'm just beginning to find out how deeply rooted the oppression is. (How do Native Americans reconcile being an oppressed group with being American?)

So, the question still remains for me: What about patriotism? I am grateful for my life, for many aspects of this country, for those who have fought for freedom of oppressed groups. I have traveled across most of it now and enjoyed the places and people I met. I learned the traditional view of our history that is commonly taught in school. And,  I have begun to read the unvarnished accounts of events that are not found in schoolbooks. I have tried to do my part in promoting the good, to help those in my circle of influence. Yet I ambivalent. Do I hate my country? Do I love it? When I recite the pledge, what am I saying? Why do we even do it?  Do I say it just to fulfill a professional expectation? Or do I quietly abstain and get criticized by my coworkers? 

Time and introspection will provide the answers. 

A little history on the origin of the pledge: Originally written by Colonel George Balch, an officer during the Civil War, it was revised by socialist minister, Francis Bellamy, and promoted to the National Education Association to instill in our country's youth a sense of patriotism that had waned after the Civil War. It was first recited in conjunction with Columbus Day and was part of a move to sell flags to the public schools. 

I leave it to the readers to draw their own conclusions...

Thoughts on the State of Our Country

As I reel in the aftermath of this travesty of an election, I want to record my experience:

I purposely stayed offline Tuesday night. An early morning training at the high school kept me offline on Wednesday morning... really, I just didn't want to think about it any more than I had to. Listening to the presenter continue on about our latest assessment tool, I got a text and took time to read it: "Omg, Trump won." Stunned, I lost track of what the presenter was telling us. This, I did not expect, though I did not support the other candidate either. I was able to commiserate with a couple of co-workers and forced my mind back to the present. Once we were dismissed, I drove on to my small and remote school, reminding myself that I needed to be there for my students - just focus on that and make it through the day - and breathe...peace and focus, calm and ease, the present moment is all that is necessary. 

 Once  I arrived, I was able to talk with my assistant who expressed fear for herself, her children, her people, the indigenous of our land who have been overlooked and mistreated since the arrival of our country's founders. Her fear was palpable, her concerns more than valid given what has been voiced by the president elect, not only in the past year but in years prior over foiled business deals. We continued our conversation at stolen moments throughout the morning. A few children commented on the election results, but no class discussion ensued as I just could not... nor could I recite the pledge of allegiance at the afternoon's Veteran's Day assembly.  Later, when most everyone had gone home, another friend came to commiserate saying that her 11 year old son cried at the news fearing for his future. She also had a younger student in the school crying because he thinks he will be deported.

This morning, it was even harder for me to accept the reality of the state of our country - those painful emotions always take time to rise to the surface for me. I sought solace in reading thoughts from a blog I've recently begun to follow and especially liked the letter I've included at the bottom of this post.  

Tonight, I just sit. I've read one blog post reminding me to reject fear about a future that has not happened yet (thank you!) and a couple of articles offering different viewpoints and experiences. This impacts so many - all minorities (and there are many). I've also been watching a PBS series, "God in America", that offers background to where we are today. All the words are 'in the hopper' awaiting attention.

The emotions continue to ebb and flow as I am now taking time to let them. Questions come and go. What's to become of us? How will this affect us in our daily lives? What about all my tribal children? Will they be safe? Life is already hard enough for so many. My heart aches for all of us. 

Breathe... Everything changes - that is the one constant we can depend on. Care for those in my life. Accept the present as it is...

The words of a wise Jedi master come to mind tonight. Worth pondering they are:

"Fear leads to anger,

Anger leads to hate,

Hate leads to suffering."

Perhaps this is what has brought this country of my birth to its present state.

******************

"The unthinkable has come to pass and we now find ourselves living in a country led by a person many have assessed as deeply harmful. His actions will be enabled by a Republican Senate and House, and in time, conservative Supreme Court. For many of us, this is a terrifying moment, as we consider the potential destructiveness of such a government both domestically and internationally.

The 2016 election has brought out the ugliest and most painful part of the American psyche, and for now, that fearful and hateful aspect of our culture is in control. The forces of reactivity, strengthened by the pace of demographic and social change that is so hard for humans to adapt to, roar and overtake reasonable discourse. 

Although the American Dharma community is not politically homogeneous, those who take up the Buddhist path tend to envision a compassionate world based in racial equity, social justice, environmental healing, respect for women, inclusion, tolerance, and more. These values seem to be the opposite of those shortly assuming power in our government. It is hard to know, at times, how to love the haters, find tolerance for the intolerant. It tests our values of compassion to the very ends of it. But here is where we may find the potential for real practice, real spiritual challenge and depth. Though we don’t know what lies ahead for our country, let us count on these values and amplify them in our spiritual friendship with each other and our communities. 

Over the next few days, some of you may experience many of the same feelings that one feels with despair and grief. At times, numb. Other times, angry. The mind will seek out whom to blame, including oneself. Fear, anxiety, and catastrophizing may all be states of mind that immobilize and even crush the will to do even the simplest things, like eat and shower. 

Give yourself a huge amount of room to experience all of this, and take care not to get swept away by it. Know what you are feeling, and hold that with tenderness. And in the meantime, eat, go to work, carry on with your routines. It is in this time that being with friends physically, with ample of social interaction, can be soothing. Do not go online too much — it just uselessly whips up the energy and will leave you feeling drained. Go outside, get fresh air. 

And perhaps the very best way to combat the intensity of dread is to help others. Do something for someone less fortunate. Giving and caring is truly the best way to relieve anxiety. Hug the people who are distraught. Reach gently for the hand of a targeted “out-group” person — a person of color, immigrant, disabled person, person of a non-Christian religion, assaulted person — and let that person know you stand by them and will do everything you can to work toward a society that is safe, caring, and kind for all its citizens and guests. 

A historic moment like this can shake us from complacency and cause us to awaken to the interconnection of our lives with all life. This is the potential. For now, take some time to get your bearings, while keeping the longterm vision in mind. 

Rev. Sumi Loundon Kim 
Minister, Buddhist Families of Durham"

Phone Pics

Photos never quite capture what I see yet they still remind me of those instances when I am captivated by breathtaking beauty around me, moments when I am living completely in the present and feel fully alive. Though the colors are never quite true nor the essence quite captured, these still bring me pleasure at the remembrance of such times...

Sittin' in the swing on our deck, this sunset captivated me.

I like to stop at the Roosevelt Beach access on my way home from work on those rare days of sunlight, warmth, and not staying too far past my paycheck.

Love this feature on my phone, and walking at Damon Point on an early Fall evening.

Or, taking a shorter walk after work down to the bridge over the canal. The reflecting clouds were amazing that day!

Even though it's an invasive species, the milfoil off of our dock creates interesting patterns.

In between parent conferences last week, I went for a walk to the gazebo overlooking the beach near school. Where else could I experience such a view by walking only five minutes from my job?

And, a rare and glorious sunrise captivated me for quite a distance the other morning, so I had to pull off at the first opportunity to try to capture it.

And, finally, an unexpected sunny morning and a walk at Damon Point letting the foamy waves chase me back. Liz was able to take time away from her studies and join me - what a treat!

Reflections on 2014

Thinking back through the last year,  I am amazed at where I find myself. It's been a full and wonderful year, with times of excitement, boredom, wallowing, happiness, adventure, hard work, relaxation - the full gamut. I want to note the highlights in order of importance to me rather than chronological:

First and foremost is time with my dear friends - I continue to be grateful every day for my beloved roommates. Liz and I continue to share a deep and strong friendship which I value so very highly. Chuck is such a treasure – he’s always ready for whatever adventure Liz thinks up, fixes everything that needs it, and is such a cool guy. They both know what it means to love unconditionally. I only ask that I may be allowed to give to them as much as they have given to me.

- A visit with Jacob - To top off the year, my son and I had the pleasure of spending a couple of hours visiting on the last day of the year. It had been over a year since I’ve seen him. He’s changed so much! He is taking charge of his life and education, seems accepting of his Asperger’s, and is comfortable with himself. Actually seeing that he's doing well is a huge weight lifted off my heart.

- A visit from Kevin - What a treat to have her share my seaside sanctuary during her visit during our shared birthday month! We got to spend many hours vistin' as well as exploring Mt. St. Helens and Tillicum Village, not to mention walking the beach.

 - Time with my sister – I’ve gotten to spend time with Pattie more than other years as I’ve driven to Portland a couple of times as well as Mark and her coming up to see me. She is one of my closest friends and strongest supporters, and I love her dearly.

-  A full time job - I am so thankful for this job. Only HaShem could have orchestrated all the details that allowed me to get this position. It has taken two years for me to be mentally ready for it, and now I am. I’ve been teaching my fourth graders since September now, and love them all. There’s been quite a learning curve since I worked full time back in 2006. Can we say Common Core? Between the requirements for that and all the technology I’m expected to use, I’ve had a lot to learn.

 - The beach house - You could have blown me away when Liz said she wanted a beach house! I never imagined such a possibility (neither did she until the moment it came to her!). My own roomy studio apartment attached to the main house grants me one more step towards that independence I’ve been working towards. The view of the canal, a two minute drive to the beach, the truly fresh air, and the comfort of a small, friendly town make it a lovelyget-away. 

 - Travel - Our month long road trip was cut short due to real estate matters, but what we did do was wonderful! We explored parts of Idaho I’ve never been in before as well as enjoyed snow driving through Montana in June (okay, so ‘enjoy’ isn’t exactly what we experienced). A couple of trips to the Oregon coast - Newport and Seaside were squeezed in, too. We also fit in several day trips up and down Western Washington visiting antique shops and farmer’s markets and anything else that caught our fancy.

  

Healing has been a long time coming, and I still have so much to learn about loving others and myself as the Master does This past year has been amazing! I thank my G-d for His constant and bountiful gifts: faith, strength, provision, peace, healing, love. Really, love sums up all of them.

I look forward to the coming year. It will present its own challenges, and I’m sure surprises. I trust that what I need will be provided in His perfect timing. 

The Way of the Padawan

The way of this padawan is taking new turnings these days. Friday, December 27th, marks the official date that my divorce was legally finished. I really didn't expect to feel much different as I've been away for nearly a year and a half, but I was mistaken...

Can I say that I have not felt this unburdened ever before? I find myself smiling at everyone, even in the Walmart, and feeling so light! This I did not expect. I knew I was bound emotionally, working through codependency books, digging deep into myself trying to get a handle on my new life. Could it be possible that those words from the merciful, presiding commissioner* 'Your divorce is granted' are the key to my emotional health? May it be so!

I am truly looking forward to the future now. I still pray that one day, when the Merciful One deems it right, that I am able to have some sort of positive relationship with my adult son, but I am not suffering over it anymore. He has his future ahead of him, and I have mine.

Maybe this euphoric honeymoon feeling will end, but I'm going to revel in it for now and praise the One who brought me to this place!

That leads me to an analysis of this past year - 2013. It's been a time of major change: adjusting to a new living situation, a new car (yay!), a new camera (pretty purple!), getting used to working in the education system again and building a good reputation there, waiting (far too long...) and working through the necessary steps to dissolve the marriage, and mostly working my way out of codependency (not fun for my roomies or me).  We also got to travel during the Summer to some old and new places: Salt Lake City, Zion and Bryce Canyon, meeting Chuck's close friend, Jed, the Grand Canyon, a visit with our dear friends near Tucson, Disneyland (my first time), Hearst Castle, Joshua Tree, Lake Havasu,  Los Angeles, San Francisco, and our beloved Oregon coast. As part of our time with Trev and Lou, we all had tattoos done - mine is a small uniquely designed heart to remind myself that I am, indeed, worthy of love and to be kind to myself. As an aside, the only friends that matter are those who love unconditionally and without judgment, and I answer to One and only One for my life - He alone determines my worth.


So begins a new chapter in 2014. New travel adventures await (yay!). A full time job is in the works as well. Relaxing in my wonderful living arrangements and cheering my bestie on in her studies (that leads to some rockin' and awesome conversations!) will complement the year. I am so happy and so grateful! Baruch HaShem!


*there were some deficiencies in the paperwork - the attorney involved was less than competent in my view and that of the commissioner.

Thoughts Worth Thinking

"He who would be useful, strong, and happy must cease to be a passive receptacle for the negative, beggarly, and impure streams of thought; and as a wise householder commands his servants and invites his guests, so must he learn to command his desires and to say, with authority, what thoughts he shall admit into the mansion of his soul." ~James Allen 

" The inner speech, your thoughts, can cause you to be rich or poor, loved or unloved, happy or unhappy, attractive or unattractive, powerful or weak."     ~Ralph Charell

My Goal:  I will not allow negative thoughts, thoughts that make me feel inferior or less than who my Maker created me, to be to govern my mind any longer.  

I Am Thankful

I thank You and recount Your praise, for our lives that are committed into Your hand, for our souls that are entrusted to You, for You are the merciful One...

I'm trying an experiment - nothing new or enlightening - just one I've found myself needing at this point in my life. My trials are nothing extraordinary as many have experienced what I have.  However, this is my story - each of us has our own, unique story not to be diminished just because it's so amazingly common.  Sorry, I digress... the experiment is nothing more than focusing on thankfulness.  It's one thing I don't do often enough  with intention.





So, today I am thankful for:

~ respect
~ intelligent, compassionate court facilitators
~ provision
~ sunshine!
~ fuzzy affection
~ emotional balance
~ transportation
~ a positive self image
~ physical activity
~ a cushy mattress
~ a George Foreman with removable grilling plates!
~ chocolate
~ margaritas
~ heart-to-heart talks
~ permission to cut myself some slack
~ fair and equitable agreements
~ unconditional love and acceptance (why is that so hard to accept?)
~ Psalms
~ intelligent, stimulating discussions
~ laughter

In the words of my favorite blogger: What are you thankful for?

2012

Another year has ended. A year that has brought about an amazing amount of change as I look back and reflect.

~ relationships ended with sadness and hurt.
~ relationships maintained and strengthened as we stayed together through difficult times.
~ relationships renewed as dear friends and family came alongside.
~ relationships that grew as lives intertwined.

Adonai, our G-d, we give thanks and recount Your praise...

~ increased awareness of my past and what lies within.
~ laying pain and sorrow before the Holy One repeatedly.
~ breaking free of old patterns, destructive patterns.
~ growing pains as maturity comes.

... for our lives that are committed into Your hand...

He guides my every step be it easy or challenging.
He provides times of refreshment and laughter amidst the tough times.
He heals as only He can.
He places my feet on a path ordained by His hand, a sure and secure path.


... You are the G-d and King who heals, the G-d Who is faithful and merciful.

I am grateful...

~ for friends who have humbled me with their love and care.
~ for sisters who remind me of what I had neglected and that make me laugh.
~ for a beautiful home filled with light, peace, laughter and love.
~ for provision from the hand of the Master.
~ that I spent the time to earn my education degree.
~ for travel opportunities and times at the beach.
~ for small furry friends that bring comfort.
~ for feathered visitors that make us smile.

Now, I look to the future...

~ for wholeness of mind, heart and body.
~ for emotional strength and confidence in who I am.
~ that relationship might be restored.
~ that joy will replace the sadness that lingers.
~ for travel opportunities with my besties.
~ for time with family.
~ for gainful employment.

Blessed are You, Adonai our G-d, King of the Universe, Who has brought me to this time and place with a far brighter future than I could ever hope for. May His Name be blessed and glorified in everything I do.

Recount

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD. ~Psalm 31:24

As we usher in a new year, I look back on this past year with amazement. So much has changed for me and those I love most. For this post, though, I want to write about my personal journey that began so long ago, 29 years to be exact...

Relationship is always risky I've found.  I took that risk certain that I would succeed where others had failed, after all, we were both believers, right?  I was so inexperienced, so immature but with a cocky confidence that we'd each do our fair share in making it a healthy vibrant example of a godly marriage.  Well, let's just say it didn't work out quite that way. I know, too, that neither of us intended or expected to end up in this place so many years ago. We both had high hopes and shared good times... too much damage was done, though, whether intentional or not, only One knows for sure.

Honestly, I never really expected to be here now; I knew it was coming, but didn’t know exactly when or what would precipitate it. My own journey has been an emotional roller coaster of guilt, shame, and fear. Suffering from depression and anxiety, desperately wanting wholeness of mind and a restored relationship, the shock of reality gradually dawned on me. I continued trying to function normally through it all, finally laying down pride to seek professional help; then began the rigorous climb back to wholeness.  That will take some time...

I truly love those I left behind. That is what makes it so hard. I've been told that doing the loving and kind thing for myself is also doing the loving and kind thing for others, too. So, I have broken the destructive cycle for us all.

Sad it is to lose what I thought I had, but it was only an illusion created in my mind as I hoped for what every woman wants – love, respect and emotional security.  I can't shift all the blame, though.  I certainly have had my issues as well. In fact, there is no need for blame at all. It is what it is.  Some may say I failed, that I ran away.  I really didn’t intend to leave for good when I drove away that day.  I knew I needed to get away for a while to where I felt emotionally safe so that I wouldn't slip back into that deadly cycle.  In the end, I would give in and take on the blame and guilt for the relationship not working, always feeling inadequate and not worthy.  But, when I started down Highway 16, I heard the words ‘You’re never going back’…

Days spent talking, praying, crying (tears of pain and anger), remembering – oh, so many memories from decades of that vicious cycle. I made the hard but necessary decision:  dissolution (how apt a term they use these days).  What a painful process - I’m dissolutioned alright. The hardest part has been letting go of guilt, fear, and control. Twisted it is that those very things that hold us captive are the hardest to release. I'll always carry sadness with me on some level - it's part of me now. I have heard it said, though, that even if you love someone, sometimes you just can't live with them.

Without my closest friends and family to counsel me, to hold me when I was drowning in grief, to dry my tears and ply me with comfort and admonitions to cut myself some slack and to kick me in the butt back to reality, I would never have made it this far.  Most of all, the mercy of the Holy One granted the precious gift of faith and His strength - He took me by the hand each step of the way providing His unconditional love through those I am honored to count as my friends.  

When I was younger, I was of the opinion that divorce was shameful, something believers did not do. As I strove to remain in an unhealthy relationship, my view began to change as I became aware and able to look at the stark reality of my life more objectively.  Did G-d really want me to keep trying to make this work?  The cost has been so very high...  I realize now that I was very near a complete mental breakdown.

As I read article after article seeking wisdom and encouragement, I came across this quote from an orthodox Jewish site: "Divorce, like an amputation, is a tragedy, but sometimes it's the right thing to do." The article goes on to expound on some guidelines for this last resort.  I couldn't agree more.

I believe, too, Yeshua's words that the get was given due to the hardness of men's hearts. Yes, Scripture also says that G-d hates divorce, but have you ever read the following verse in that passage?

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the L-rd, the G-d of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the L-rd Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful." ~ Malachi 2:16

No, I did not fail or run away.  I did not abandon my responsibilities as some would think.  I left a place of oppression that had pushed me over the edge, and I fulfilled my responsibilities as I vowed to do. Now, I have been granted the gift of a new beginning.

So, here I stand at the threshold of the future, my future. Now, I'm learning to live with the pain and sadness of the past, gaining wholeness of heart and mind by the great and unsearchable grace of the Holy One. I'm in a home where we respect and love each other without strings attached, and peace fills every corner. I am so grateful.

"Adonai our G-d, we give thanks to You and recount Your praise for our lives which are committed into Your hand, and for our souls which are entrusted to You..."

Approval

So, all this time I've been wanting approval?  Is that it?  Yes, I believe it is.

As I've walked through the most difficult time of my life, I've done some serious soul searching, shed countless tears, counseled for hundreds of hours with those wiser than I and who love me unconditionally, and gotten professional help from modern medicine.  All that to make it through each day as the burden weighed me down more and more - into depression and anxiety, what I thought was serious hormone imbalance...

I see now that all I was seeking was approval from those I cared about.  Approval for who I am.  Am I worthy of love?  They said they loved me... did they really?  If so, why did I feel so worthless, so diminished?  Why did I work so hard trying to make them happy and to be accepted?  All I wanted was approval, not conditions, not manipulations or to be used.

Over time I sought that approval spending time with those who filled that need, who really liked me. Always, though, there was that niggle of doubt in the back of my mind that wondered if their acceptance was real (fed by years of conditioning).  Would I do something that would push them away?  That seemed to be my pattern, at least in what I thought was supposed to be the most important relationship of my life.

Why did I cling to what I hoped was real for such a long time?  So many years of struggle and heartbreak.  Never could I give enough, wasn't pretty enough or thin enough, nor was I a good parent.  It took me a very long time to know that I would never gain their approval - nor did I ever really have it.  I could never earn their unconditional love.  Did I really say 'earn'?  Wow... that's not how it's supposed to work.

I was told over and over by my closest friends that I was indeed worth knowing, that I was a good wife and mother, and a good friend.  Even professionals told me that I'd done well parenting,(but not from those whose approval I sought).  I struggled to believe that.

So, now I've come to the place of facing the truth.  The truth about myself.  Whose approval do I really value?  Whose approval do I actually want?  It's crazy, really.  I'm surrounded by friends - true friends.  I couldn't be more loved at this point.  And, I know beyond doubt, that I have the approval of the Holy One himself... I think I'm beginning to believe, for real, that I am who they say I am.

I'm on the threshold of a new life. One of acceptance and one of allowing myself to be just that - myself.  Freedom.  Free to be who my Creator made me.  No more adapting to fit in with whatever religious group I'm in (devaluing myself in the process), no more having to feel guilt or shame for not being what others expect me to be.

“We can secure other people's approval, if we do right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it, and no way has been found out of securing that” ~Mark Twain

"We are not trying to please men but G-d, who tests our hearts." ~Paul to the Galatians

Worthy - A Piece of My Life's Journey

I've been struggling with so much of late, working through issues from past experiences, seeking wholeness.  One thing after another rises up to be vanquished - dealing with a teen, social trauma (aka spiritual abuse) from a beloved congregation, marital issues, relationships disintegrated, so much disrespect directed my way.

I see dear friends finding direction in life as they enroll in college classes - I share their joy and excitement, looking forward to walking that road with them.  Yet, I find myself thinking wistfully of the challenges they're heading towards.

Wait a minute!  I've walked that road myself many years ago.  I've gotten in the habit of thinking about my time in college as well as my many years in public education as not very important or valuable.  Why is that? Perhaps it's being around those who do not value my experience because of a very limited view of what they consider important.  Unfortunately, and subconsciously I fell into that way of thinking, too.  Wow, no wonder I struggle with myself!

“The greatest difficulty is that men do not think enough of themselves, do not consider what it is that they are sacrificing when they follow in a herd, or when they cater for their establishment” ~Emerson

"I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin."  ~

Antoine de Saint-Exupery 

Have I forgotten Who it is that knew my every aspect of my life from the foundations of the earth?  Those years of hard work and study are part of the plan of my life that my loving and sovereign Master ordained.  Therefore, my experiences are valuable and have been instrumental in making me who I am.  I enjoyed those experiences and found them satisfying and worthwhile at the time.  Why was I made to feel ashamed of my experiences?  Why did I take it onto myself? *heavy sigh*

"Do your best to present yourself to G-d as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed..." 2Tim.2:15

Four years to earn my Bachelor's, a fifth year to complete my certification, over 20 years in classrooms covering all the grade levels, working with children, parents, and colleagues, countless clock hours to keep up with the latest trends in my chosen profession.  Yes, I chose to leave it for the sake of my son, and I'm grateful to be out of that political arena now, but all that is still a part of who I am.  Not something shameful.

I also value my many years in Catholicism and various Christian denominations, now firmly entrenched in Messianic Judaism - all valuable steps in living the life my L-rd laid out for me.

I can say that I am grateful for all those valuable experiences, good and bad, that have brought me to the place I now stand. A time of respite and healing, a time to take it easy and continue on the path laid out for me.  It may not be much of a life in the eyes of some, but it's the one I've been given, and I am grateful.

"Would that there were an award for people who come to understand the concept of enough. Good enough. Successful enough. Thin enough. Rich enough. Socially responsible enough. When you have self-respect, you have enough."  ~Gail Sheehy

Hello, I am an ISTJ

Also known as 'The Duty Fulfiller'

You know when you're an ISTJ when:

... you don't listen to other people just because you don't like them.
... you're the silent one during conversations.
... complaining/whining emotionally irritates you (I can whine a bit, though).
... your sudden actions are misinterpreted by others as being "angry" though you're not.
... you prefer office work rather than marketing.
... you have a habit of answering most questions with short and precise answers.
... you darn well know that a proper table should always have four legs.
... you're serious most of the time.
... you're walking one evening and see this lady in a sexy dress with overdone make-up on as she smokes a cigar in front of a motel at 1:00 am - you immediately judge her as a whore and that will remain in your mind for a long, long, long, long time...

*borrowed and tweaked from a forum on ISTJs...

Yeah, I'm afraid so... the good, the bad, and the entertaining!

Not so sure where this fits it, but it's me alright!

In His Presence...

There come times when I have nothing more to tell God.  If I were to continue to pray in words, I would have to repeat what I have already said.  At such times it is wonderful to say to God, "May I be in Thy presence, Lord?  I have nothing more to say to Thee, but I do love to be in Thy presence."  ~O. Hallesby

That's all I want... to be in His presence - to totally surrender myself, put aside my own stilted perspective, to set aside what I want, to look beyond my circumstances... it's not about me.  It's about Him, giving Him the praise and worship that is His due.

I am grateful beyond measure for the unconditional love and favor He shows me, the unprecedented, undeserved forgiveness He grants me every day.

Baruch atah, Adonai,
Eloheinu...

Another Part of the Journey...

Throughout my life, I've held onto my faith, taken pride in my faith, faith in the Holy G-d.  My faith is the single  most important part of me, influencing everything I do, say and think.  I've considered myself one of very strong faith, clinging to and relying on my G-d in those dark times of life - like 10 years of intense challenges in my marriage (that's a gross understatement, but all that needs to be said), and incredible betrayal within a congregation of which I was a wholly committed participant for many years - betrayal at the hands of those claiming to lead, walking alongside one of even greater faith and unparalleled commitment being brutally battered emotionally and spiritually.  My faith has been tested severely, but the L-rd brought me through these horrific times stronger and more knowledgeable of how better to serve and glorify Him.

However, I paid a price...  I ended up in a state of depression.

I was raised with and fell prey to a line of thinking that said psychology is not true science (something believers did not dabble in) and that depression was really just too much focus on myself.  It's not an actual chemical imbalance in most cases.  If I just got my mind in the right place, had enough faith, ate right, exercised and served others more, it wouldn't be a problem.  Okay, that all sounds good -those are all worthy things to do. I have done them all.

But... I found that I was wrong.

There's so much more to it than that. First of all, the study of the human mind and emotions, how our experiences affect us is something valid and true.  Sure, there are facets of it that are pretty out there, but looking at it from a mature perspective, I can take what I know to be good and true and ignore the rest. It will not compromise my faith as I was led to believe.  Second, depression is real and sometimes can get so serious that modern medicine can be G-d's answer to help in a time of dire need.

 Prolonged or serious trauma and/or stress can lead to a depletion of necessary chemicals in the brain that enable us to emotionally and mentally function normally.  In most cases, you can get to a place where your body can replenish those chemicals.  In some instances, that replenishing does not happen.

So, my experience... first of all, I am grateful for the medication that helps me to function in my life and maintain relationship with those close to me.  In the state I was in, I couldn't function.  I couldn't string two thoughts together or make major decisions some days.  I certainly couldn't participate in relationship effectively.  I felt as if  I was going insane.  Did all this mean that I didn't have enough faith that my L-rd could get me through this? Absolutely not!  I diligently prayed for help, sought wise counsel, adjusted my life trying to make it work so that I didn't ruin relationships that I value so highly, trusted that the L-rd was directing me.

I also resisted any suggestion that I might be depressed and not just hormonal - yes, that's been a huge factor, too.  I tried herbs, meditation, exercise, etc.  Finally, I gave in... He humbles the haughty after all.  Finally, I listened to the wise counsel He sent and let my doctor prescribe something to help.  I thank my G-d for His mercy in answering my cry.

I've heard it said that anti-depressants just numb the pain.  I disagree.  For me, it has brought me back to a place where I can work through those damaging experiences and maintain relationship.  I can think clearly once again.  One day, I hope to be off of the meds, but in the meantime, I am so grateful.  Every day I thank Him for the wisdom, strength and goodness - for the help I need to serve Him better.

You see, I was judging something I really knew nothing about as well as people.  People who walked a path I had never walked.  This is not the only area where I made judgments based on false information or truly thinking that I was being more righteous by avoiding certain things - certain types of people.  The L-rd brought me up short and allowed me to be on the receiving end of what I had done.  I can say that is not a happy place to be - He humbles the haughty... arrogance diminishes wisdom.  Yes, I say, to my shame, that I  have done the very thing that I sought to avoid, and in so doing, violated the greatest command to love the L-rd my G-d and to love my neighbor as myself.

Like I said, I've had a lot of experience with this sort of thing.  I am so sorry for the pain I inflicted on others  in my past and ask that the Holy One keep my perception clear.

What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. ~C.S. Lewis

A Day in the Life...

A day of struggle, hard, painful struggle. Drive, just drive away, clear the mind...  stand in the bitter strong wind letting it buffet me and enter into my soul, matching the storm within me.

Relationships... they are by far the most valuable and the most difficult gifts given by the Creator.  Bumping up against my own shortcomings, level of maturity, moving into yet another phase of training... recognizing the hand of the Master at work once again.  Did I really pray for greater maturity and more growth just a couple of weeks ago?  Answers are never quite what's expected, but recognizable all the same.

Keep driving...  Working, thinking, praying through the issues in my mind. Cell phone rings attempting to pull me out of the pit I seemed to have slipped into.  Respite from the storm... breathe.  Release.

Heading home when the storm hits full force again... *heaving sigh* Will it ever end?  Comfort - settling down with a glass of wine, loving words help calm the storm.  This time will pass - there is a path to the other side.  Of that I am sure. His hand is ever there guiding and holding on.

A Question and an Answer...

"Surely G-d is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills. Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. From their callous hearts comes iniquity; their evil imaginations have no limits. They scoff, and speak with malice; with arrogance they threaten oppression. Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. They say, “How would G-d know? Does the Most High know anything?”

This is what the wicked are like— always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments.

If I had spoken out like that, I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of G-d; then I understood their final destiny.

Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! They are like a dream when one awakes; when you arise, LORD, you will despise them as fantasies.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near G-d. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

~Psalm 73

The End of Another Year

So begins a new year... which means I've been looking back at the past year... It's been a year of:

~ emotional pain - both for myself and those I love dearly.
~ beach time and mountain time.
~ relational ups and downs, oh so very down at times...
~ much laughter, amazingly.
~ ripping away and bringing together.
~ celebrating the Festivals by the grace of G-d.
~ claiming my identity for my very own.
~ capturing moments in time with my camera.
~ travel time - never enough.
~ learning to utterly depend on the Most Holy G-d in ALL things.
~ forming deepening relationships in ways I never imagined - for these I am so, so thankful...

"...because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Yeshua and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the G-d of our Lord Yeshua haMeshiach, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him..." ~Paul to the Ephesians

This is my wish for you, my friends, in the coming year:

"Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

Thinkin' Out Loud...

"We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past. But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future. Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come."

These words jumped out at me this morning as I read this blog post.  Life has been so difficult the last couple of years - so much heartache and despair... such a dark time.  Yet I know - yes, I know deep down that the LORD has things well in hand.  Somehow all those dark times will work into something beautiful, something that glorifies the Holy One.

I know others going through similar circumstances have been helped by what we've gone through - even people we don't know.  I mean, look at the beautiful expression HERE.  I'm positive that some have been encouraged by those words.  Sure is hard to keep it all in perspective some days, though...

Enough of that - so, what does the future hold?  Where and how will we be able to serve?  I have no idea.  What I do know, though, is that there is a future coming.  Surely we wouldn't be left in limbo forever...

Shame on Me!

It's my experience that self righteousness and judgment are far more dangerous in a community of faith than more outward things like drug usage, drunkenness, and premarital sex.   (How's that for an opening statement?)

What?!  Am I saying that those other things are acceptable and good?  Absolutely not. That's not at all what I'm saying.  Yes, those issues need to be dealt with - in a merciful, gentle way I might add.

However, it's been my experience both on the giving and receiving end of self-righteousness and judgment that they are far more damaging, more difficult to identify and eradicate, and in no way fulfill the command of the Master to love each other.  

Whoa, you might say... you've acted that way?  Yes, yes - to my shame, I have.  I actually thought I was acting in a way that lived out my beliefs, in a way that honored my G-d... you know, it didn't fool anyone but me.  All it really accomplished was to repel others, strain relationships, and do just the opposite of what I intended.  It revealed a narrow, self-focused view of the world, and a lack of acceptance of others.  For that I am truly sorry...

What lead me to that?  

A little preface sets the scene:  I've spent my whole life being a part of faith communities in various capacities.  From my time in Catholic schools, folk groups, involvement with the 'Jesus People' movement, Catholic Charismata, Assemblies of God, non-denominational churches to my present status of being a Messianic Jew, it's been a huge part of my identity.

Back to the topic at hand:  To begin with, my motives were good - I truly wanted to honor G-d and live as pure a life as I could.  With the limited training I received, fear of things that I didn't understand, and my desire to be accepted by the circles I frequented, I fell into self righteousness over a period of years, more so when those around me did the same.

We're talking things like not watching 'R' rated movies, drinking alcohol, smoking, any language that remotely sounded like cussing to name a few - not only would I not do any of those, I looked down on those who did...  It was a form of self protection, too - I liked my safe, little world where I let in only those things that fit my perspective.

I would only listen to Christian music thinking that if I listened to anything else, it would lessen my faith and make me look 'worldly'.  You know, all it did was make me difficult to be around and turn people off.  I know now that many just tolerated my narrowness.  Can I say, too, that living like that did not really honor the Holy One or fulfill the command to love my neighbor as myself?  It certainly made my immaturity apparent.

How in the world can I truly show compassion for others and love unconditionally with that kind of world view?  I can say from experience that it's a very selfish way to live. As I've gone through tough times in my marriage, raising a child with Asperger's, been on the receiving end of the self righteousness of others (how ironic), the L-rd, in His mercy, has forced me out of that destructive life style.  Every step of the way, He's orchestrated events and people to lovingly bring me to a healthier, more mature way of living.  Please don't hear me say I've arrived at perfection!  Far from it!

So, let's talk about being on the receiving end of this destructive behavior. Remember, we're dealing with self-righteousness, judgment, and let's add resentment to the list, too.   I've had to step away from congregations because it was so intense - aimed at those I love and myself.  Can I just say that self righteousness is unrighteous?  It's hurtful and not at all complying with the command to love each other as the Master commands.

Like I said before, it's ironic that I ended up on the other side of where I was - tough lessons to learn they are.  Now, I know about working through the process of forgiving those who have wronged me, letting go of resentment, and having compassion for those entangled in the very place I have been.  Again, not a simple, pain free journey.  It's been a journey of many years, many hours of 'counseling' with my bestie and others, many hours on my knees...

I have to say, though, that it's been worth it all - the Holy One has walked me through every step showing me  His might, His sovereignty, His glory as I strive to serve Him.  He is so worthy of all my praise (like He needs my validation).


Blessed are You, O L-rd, my G-d, for Your constant care in even the most trivial aspects of my life. Please help me to love others as You love me. Grant me compassion for the weak and hurting who so often lash out in their pain. Please show me when I act unbecomingly, when I hurt others - cause me to repent and make it right, to obey You no matter what it costs.  Thank You, my Master.  b'shem Yeshua.

“The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world.”