Winter Break is Almost Here...

 As I look forward to a two break from work, this week feels long. Every year brings its new challenges, this year being no exception - a welter of unspoken, only-to-be-guessed at expectations, the annual Christmas program, and staff breakfast/mug exchange have left me feeling rather jaded. Of all the people on staff to get the actual Christmas mug (it's been nearly 20 years since I celebrated this holiday)... and who thought it a good idea to have the program on a Tuesday so our Wednesday felt like a Friday? Conversation causing me to ask why some people think their way should be imposed on all, not even caring that some do not share their view - can anyone say white privilege? And, I have a cold... Enough kvetching already.

Yet, as I begin to practice mindfulness and delve into the practice of meditation, the tools I have found are a treasure trove of strength and awareness. Breathe. In. Out. Deep. Slow. Calm. Ease... This too shall pass. All is impermanence.

So, we managed our mostly monthly beach clean-up today as we were in need of a diversion from the usual routine.  Scouring through the beach grass collecting 66 lbs of flotsam on a nearly windless day was fun for us all (despite the frozen landscape and faces). Well, except for Mary who cut her hand on the beach grass. She was doctored up by my cohort in crime and felt better with a tootsie pop in hand.

On the way home (I managed to leave before dark today - a first in several weeks), I got to experience this amazing display going through Copalis Beach! And, the roads weren't icy as they have been the past couple of mornings!

Breathe...

Breathing in, my breath grows deep.

Breathing out, my breath goes slowly.

Breathing in, I feel calm.

Breathing out, I feel ease.

Breathing in, I smile.

Breathing out, I release.

Breathing in, I dwell in the present moment

Breathing out, I know it is a wonderful moment.

~ from "How to Sit" by Thich Nhat Hanh

Thoughts on the State of Our Country

As I reel in the aftermath of this travesty of an election, I want to record my experience:

I purposely stayed offline Tuesday night. An early morning training at the high school kept me offline on Wednesday morning... really, I just didn't want to think about it any more than I had to. Listening to the presenter continue on about our latest assessment tool, I got a text and took time to read it: "Omg, Trump won." Stunned, I lost track of what the presenter was telling us. This, I did not expect, though I did not support the other candidate either. I was able to commiserate with a couple of co-workers and forced my mind back to the present. Once we were dismissed, I drove on to my small and remote school, reminding myself that I needed to be there for my students - just focus on that and make it through the day - and breathe...peace and focus, calm and ease, the present moment is all that is necessary. 

 Once  I arrived, I was able to talk with my assistant who expressed fear for herself, her children, her people, the indigenous of our land who have been overlooked and mistreated since the arrival of our country's founders. Her fear was palpable, her concerns more than valid given what has been voiced by the president elect, not only in the past year but in years prior over foiled business deals. We continued our conversation at stolen moments throughout the morning. A few children commented on the election results, but no class discussion ensued as I just could not... nor could I recite the pledge of allegiance at the afternoon's Veteran's Day assembly.  Later, when most everyone had gone home, another friend came to commiserate saying that her 11 year old son cried at the news fearing for his future. She also had a younger student in the school crying because he thinks he will be deported.

This morning, it was even harder for me to accept the reality of the state of our country - those painful emotions always take time to rise to the surface for me. I sought solace in reading thoughts from a blog I've recently begun to follow and especially liked the letter I've included at the bottom of this post.  

Tonight, I just sit. I've read one blog post reminding me to reject fear about a future that has not happened yet (thank you!) and a couple of articles offering different viewpoints and experiences. This impacts so many - all minorities (and there are many). I've also been watching a PBS series, "God in America", that offers background to where we are today. All the words are 'in the hopper' awaiting attention.

The emotions continue to ebb and flow as I am now taking time to let them. Questions come and go. What's to become of us? How will this affect us in our daily lives? What about all my tribal children? Will they be safe? Life is already hard enough for so many. My heart aches for all of us. 

Breathe... Everything changes - that is the one constant we can depend on. Care for those in my life. Accept the present as it is...

The words of a wise Jedi master come to mind tonight. Worth pondering they are:

"Fear leads to anger,

Anger leads to hate,

Hate leads to suffering."

Perhaps this is what has brought this country of my birth to its present state.

******************

"The unthinkable has come to pass and we now find ourselves living in a country led by a person many have assessed as deeply harmful. His actions will be enabled by a Republican Senate and House, and in time, conservative Supreme Court. For many of us, this is a terrifying moment, as we consider the potential destructiveness of such a government both domestically and internationally.

The 2016 election has brought out the ugliest and most painful part of the American psyche, and for now, that fearful and hateful aspect of our culture is in control. The forces of reactivity, strengthened by the pace of demographic and social change that is so hard for humans to adapt to, roar and overtake reasonable discourse. 

Although the American Dharma community is not politically homogeneous, those who take up the Buddhist path tend to envision a compassionate world based in racial equity, social justice, environmental healing, respect for women, inclusion, tolerance, and more. These values seem to be the opposite of those shortly assuming power in our government. It is hard to know, at times, how to love the haters, find tolerance for the intolerant. It tests our values of compassion to the very ends of it. But here is where we may find the potential for real practice, real spiritual challenge and depth. Though we don’t know what lies ahead for our country, let us count on these values and amplify them in our spiritual friendship with each other and our communities. 

Over the next few days, some of you may experience many of the same feelings that one feels with despair and grief. At times, numb. Other times, angry. The mind will seek out whom to blame, including oneself. Fear, anxiety, and catastrophizing may all be states of mind that immobilize and even crush the will to do even the simplest things, like eat and shower. 

Give yourself a huge amount of room to experience all of this, and take care not to get swept away by it. Know what you are feeling, and hold that with tenderness. And in the meantime, eat, go to work, carry on with your routines. It is in this time that being with friends physically, with ample of social interaction, can be soothing. Do not go online too much — it just uselessly whips up the energy and will leave you feeling drained. Go outside, get fresh air. 

And perhaps the very best way to combat the intensity of dread is to help others. Do something for someone less fortunate. Giving and caring is truly the best way to relieve anxiety. Hug the people who are distraught. Reach gently for the hand of a targeted “out-group” person — a person of color, immigrant, disabled person, person of a non-Christian religion, assaulted person — and let that person know you stand by them and will do everything you can to work toward a society that is safe, caring, and kind for all its citizens and guests. 

A historic moment like this can shake us from complacency and cause us to awaken to the interconnection of our lives with all life. This is the potential. For now, take some time to get your bearings, while keeping the longterm vision in mind. 

Rev. Sumi Loundon Kim 
Minister, Buddhist Families of Durham"

Grateful Post #1

~ I am grateful for the sound of the gulls outside my window and the deer nibbling their way through the yard.

~ I am grateful for the sound of beloved voices and the feel of love and acceptance..

 ~ I am grateful for the ability to write out my troubling and anxious thoughts to see them in a clearer light.

 ~ I am grateful for well-written insightful books to direct my thoughts into health and wholeness.

 ~ I am grateful for time with my sister building relationship and for her words of affirmation. We had a great time poking around the Selwood neighborhood of Portland!

 ~ I am grateful for good analogies like Eustace and his dragon skin. I can scrape off the first few layers with little pain, but the real change comes when the Master does the serious work of digging deep, and it hurts.

 ~ I am grateful for the mercy my G-d shows me every day. He never leaves me alone in my pain, even when it’s self-inflicted. He frees me from unwarranted guilt, forgives me of my wrongdoing, guides my steps each moment of each day.

 ~ I am grateful for a clear mind, objectivity, and the feeling of being an adult.

 ~ I am grateful when my exaggerated, skewed perspective shrinks back to normal, healthy proportions.

 ~ I am grateful for pizza and a movie with Tay.

 ~ I am grateful for excitement over my new job, even if it is only for a year. At least it’s a foot in the door!

 ~ I am grateful for the opportunity to have a real life apart from others. This job affords me that chance to do something that is mine; I’m competent at the job – I can do this successfully. I see the potential for truly becoming that independent, emotionally whole, adult woman that was my stated goal a year or more ago.

 ~ I am grateful for the patience , kindness, gentleness, and perseverance of my dear friends.

 ~ I am grateful for my little car and an unexpected free oil change!

 ~ I am grateful for the dozens of books I found at the thrift store yesterday! (and my first senior discount!)

 ~ I am grateful for those who support Israel and the protection HaShem grants her in the midst of her enemies

 ~ I am grateful for ibuprofen.

 ~ I am grateful for my first bike ride in 25 years! My new bike rocks! Thanks for fixing it, Tay!

 ~ I am grateful for electric screwdrivers!

 ~ I am grateful that I didn’t have to deal with cat boxes when we got home.

 ~ I am grateful for awareness of my anxiety triggers – now let’s practice letting go of the need for approval from others.

 ~ I am grateful for the passage of time. The pain does lessen, especially with diligent work at overcoming the damage done.

 ~ I am grateful for hard words, self-awareness, and vulnerability.

 ~ I am grateful for the wise words of those who have walked the codependent path before me and have overcome.

 ~ I am grateful for opportunities to be kind.

 ~ I am grateful that my friends are coming home tonight from their travels!

 ~ I am grateful for cups of tea in the quiet on a Shabbat morning.

 ~ I am grateful for today, may I not waste it in self-pity.

~

The Way of the Padawan

The way of this padawan is taking new turnings these days. Friday, December 27th, marks the official date that my divorce was legally finished. I really didn't expect to feel much different as I've been away for nearly a year and a half, but I was mistaken...

Can I say that I have not felt this unburdened ever before? I find myself smiling at everyone, even in the Walmart, and feeling so light! This I did not expect. I knew I was bound emotionally, working through codependency books, digging deep into myself trying to get a handle on my new life. Could it be possible that those words from the merciful, presiding commissioner* 'Your divorce is granted' are the key to my emotional health? May it be so!

I am truly looking forward to the future now. I still pray that one day, when the Merciful One deems it right, that I am able to have some sort of positive relationship with my adult son, but I am not suffering over it anymore. He has his future ahead of him, and I have mine.

Maybe this euphoric honeymoon feeling will end, but I'm going to revel in it for now and praise the One who brought me to this place!

That leads me to an analysis of this past year - 2013. It's been a time of major change: adjusting to a new living situation, a new car (yay!), a new camera (pretty purple!), getting used to working in the education system again and building a good reputation there, waiting (far too long...) and working through the necessary steps to dissolve the marriage, and mostly working my way out of codependency (not fun for my roomies or me).  We also got to travel during the Summer to some old and new places: Salt Lake City, Zion and Bryce Canyon, meeting Chuck's close friend, Jed, the Grand Canyon, a visit with our dear friends near Tucson, Disneyland (my first time), Hearst Castle, Joshua Tree, Lake Havasu,  Los Angeles, San Francisco, and our beloved Oregon coast. As part of our time with Trev and Lou, we all had tattoos done - mine is a small uniquely designed heart to remind myself that I am, indeed, worthy of love and to be kind to myself. As an aside, the only friends that matter are those who love unconditionally and without judgment, and I answer to One and only One for my life - He alone determines my worth.


So begins a new chapter in 2014. New travel adventures await (yay!). A full time job is in the works as well. Relaxing in my wonderful living arrangements and cheering my bestie on in her studies (that leads to some rockin' and awesome conversations!) will complement the year. I am so happy and so grateful! Baruch HaShem!


*there were some deficiencies in the paperwork - the attorney involved was less than competent in my view and that of the commissioner.

Psalm 145

I will exalt you, my God the King;

I will praise your name for ever and ever.

Every day I will praise you

extol your name for ever and ever.

Great is the LORD and most worthy of praise;

his greatness no one can fathom.

One generation commends your works to another;

they tell of your mighty acts.

They speak of the glorious splendor of your majesty—

and I will meditate on your wonderful works.

They tell of the power of your awesome works—

and I will proclaim your great deeds.

They celebrate your abundant goodness

and joyfully sing of your righteousness.

The LORD is gracious and compassionate,

slow to anger and rich in love.

The LORD is good to all;

he has compassion on all he has made.

all your works praise you, LORD;

your faithful people extol you.

They tell of the glory of your kingdom

and speak of your might,

so that all people may know of your mighty acts

and the glorious splendor of your kingdom.

Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom,

and your dominion endures through all generations.

The LORD is trustworthy in all he promises

and faithful in all he does.

The LORD upholds all who fall

and lifts up all who are bowed down.

The eyes of all look to you,

and you give them their food at the proper time.

You open your hand

and satisfy the desires of every living thing.

The LORD is righteous in all his ways

and faithful in all he does.

The LORD is near to all who call on him,

to all who call on him in truth.

He fulfills the desires of those who fear him;

he hears their cry and saves them.

The LORD watches over all who love him,

but all the wicked he will destroy.

My mouth will speak in praise of the LORD.

Let every creature praise his holy name

for ever and ever.

The End of Another Year

So begins a new year... which means I've been looking back at the past year... It's been a year of:

~ emotional pain - both for myself and those I love dearly.
~ beach time and mountain time.
~ relational ups and downs, oh so very down at times...
~ much laughter, amazingly.
~ ripping away and bringing together.
~ celebrating the Festivals by the grace of G-d.
~ claiming my identity for my very own.
~ capturing moments in time with my camera.
~ travel time - never enough.
~ learning to utterly depend on the Most Holy G-d in ALL things.
~ forming deepening relationships in ways I never imagined - for these I am so, so thankful...

"...because I have heard of your faith in the Lord Yeshua and your love toward all the saints, I do not cease to give thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers, that the G-d of our Lord Yeshua haMeshiach, the Father of glory, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and of revelation in the knowledge of him..." ~Paul to the Ephesians

This is my wish for you, my friends, in the coming year:

"Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, rainbows to follow the clouds, laughter to kiss your lips, sunsets to warm your heart, hugs when spirits sag, beauty for your eyes to see, friendships to brighten your being, faith so that you can believe, confidence for when you doubt, courage to know yourself, patience to accept the truth, Love to complete your life."

The Call of the Sea...

I could never stay long enough on the shore, the tang of the untainted, fresh and free sea air was like a cool, quieting thought.  ~Helen Keller

This past weekend, I had the privilege to spend time at the beach with the Chaverim - Liz graciously provided her condo where we spent time enjoying liturgy, worship, and study together as well as some quality time walking... just walking, breathing in the sea air, trying to work through and wash away pain of the past, pain that refuses to give rest.  

We poked around some of the little shops sharing our running commentary on some of the items we found to the amusement of clerks and other customers.  Beach treasures found their way into pockets, cameras captured moments in time, music wound itself around our conversations and prayers, sand leaked from shoe soles, and memories worked their way in and out of our minds...

Just as the wave cannot exist for itself, but is ever a part of the heaving surface of the ocean, so must I never live my life for itself, but always in the experience which is going on around me.  ~Albert Schweitzer

If I ride the wings of the morning, if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me, and your strength will support me. ~Psalm 139: 9-10

Hear My Cry, O G-d

Hear my cry, O God,
listen to my prayer;
from the end of the earth I call to you
when my heart is faint.

Lead me to the rock
that is higher than I,
for you have been my refuge,
a strong tower against the enemy.
Let me dwell in your tent forever!
Let me take refuge under the shelter of your wings!

For you, O God, have heard my vows;
you have given me the heritage of those who fear your name...

~ Psalm 61 

“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.” ~ Mark Twain

I wish this would cause the unforgiving heart to reach out and offer to others what is so freely offered to them...

“Live your life from your heart. Share from your heart. And your story will touch and heal people's souls.” ~Melody Beattie

So often, those who do this are hurting so deeply that those they touch are unaware of the sacrifice offered...

Just some humble thoughts from the Padawan...

But let all who take refuge in You be glad, let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them, that those who love your name may exult in You. ~Psalm 5:11