First Day 2017

Wow… the first day of the new year.  This past year has been good, very good - one of learning how to be truly happy. Happy… is that really the goal of my life? I find that it is not what I previously thought. Happiness is seeing the true nature of things – everything from what I really think of a situation, of myself, what perceptions and motivations are truly present, how a person behaves and the effect on my emotions and life, to name just a few.

There have been challenging situations this past year as is always the case, but I know that the real issues involved my own perception, whether accurate or not. Seeing life as it is, people as they are with no filter is true happiness, as I no longer live under an illusion, a false view of what is. 

Not a path for the faint-hearted as it takes determination and hard work. I still have moments and days when I fall back into old patterns of codependency (seeking validation and worth outside of myself), allowing fear, guilt, or regret to motivate words or actions, or to trigger strong emotional reactions. BUT, I can say that this path I am on is leading me to more peace than I have ever experienced in my life of 57 years.

May the coming year be one of:

• compassion and love
• happiness
• peace
• contentment
• freedom from suffering
• living! Truly living!

One day at a time focusing on each immediate moment in time, facing each moment with honesty, openness, and a willingness to change. It sounds rather lofty, I know, but it really is down-to-earth, practical, and doable.

Some items of note from the past year:

• my first ever political involvement
• some day trips with my besties
• travel to Idaho with my sister for our mother's 95th birthday
• gardening! Digging up humungous plants and learning to love flowerless spaces!
• trading my cute, orange car for a more sedate and practical model
• deleting my Facebook account!
• adopting a healthier lifestyle with the Fast Diet
• many beach walks and neighborhood bike rides
• reading more non-fiction than ever in my life! (see 'Trials of a Padawan')

I'll end with one of my new favorite quotes:

"In the end, only 

three things matter:

how much you loved, 

how gently you lived, 

and how gracefully 

you let go of things

not meant for you."

~Buddha

Click HERE to see the slideshow a little larger...

Winter Break is Almost Here...

 As I look forward to a two break from work, this week feels long. Every year brings its new challenges, this year being no exception - a welter of unspoken, only-to-be-guessed at expectations, the annual Christmas program, and staff breakfast/mug exchange have left me feeling rather jaded. Of all the people on staff to get the actual Christmas mug (it's been nearly 20 years since I celebrated this holiday)... and who thought it a good idea to have the program on a Tuesday so our Wednesday felt like a Friday? Conversation causing me to ask why some people think their way should be imposed on all, not even caring that some do not share their view - can anyone say white privilege? And, I have a cold... Enough kvetching already.

Yet, as I begin to practice mindfulness and delve into the practice of meditation, the tools I have found are a treasure trove of strength and awareness. Breathe. In. Out. Deep. Slow. Calm. Ease... This too shall pass. All is impermanence.

So, we managed our mostly monthly beach clean-up today as we were in need of a diversion from the usual routine.  Scouring through the beach grass collecting 66 lbs of flotsam on a nearly windless day was fun for us all (despite the frozen landscape and faces). Well, except for Mary who cut her hand on the beach grass. She was doctored up by my cohort in crime and felt better with a tootsie pop in hand.

On the way home (I managed to leave before dark today - a first in several weeks), I got to experience this amazing display going through Copalis Beach! And, the roads weren't icy as they have been the past couple of mornings!

A Little Advice

The last few months, I've been poking around on a certain online dating site - meant for older folks like me, you know.  What I've found is extremely interesting from a sociological perspective (and highly entertaining...). There are some genuinely nice guys out there, but, in my opinion, there are lots that just need help. I want to take this opportunity to offer a little advice from a woman's perspective.

First of all, choose your online name wisely.  Do you really want to be known as Lubeman? Or how about hotmrvelvet?  Better yet, hogdancer and luv2cuddlehugkiss.  Really? Can I say that these are not monikers that attract a woman of quality?

Then there's the profile.  What do you want to convey about yourself?  Think about it...  Might I suggest avoiding the use of any of these statements?

~ "I have a high sex drive."

~ "I have sexy hands."

~" I want a woman who listens and takes advice"

~ "I am very sexual" (twice in the same profile)

~ "That one person who would like to do everything with me and not judge me or condemn whenever I may have poor judgement. ( which is rarely I might add)."

~ "fishng time is near the king salmon are going to start to show up"

~ "Most women nowadays are not ready for something serious, they only try to get to use you to satisfy their sexual desires and lustful acts. I am not down for that …"

~ "Someone who loves to cook and also someone who knows what it takes to make her man happy."

~ "A good kisser is a plus."

~ "She doesn't have to be drop-dead knock out,but if she scares small children,I'm not sure she's one I want to meet."

~ "A nice, good looking, kind lady that will make me fall in love her, she must be romantic and make me feel like we could fly to the sky from the magic feeling that love can provide us.!"

~ "Most women consider my best features to be: my smile and my butt."

~ "I can recite pi to 10 decimal places."

~ "I can throw a grape 30 feet into the air and catch it in my mouth."

~ "A woman that is comfortable with who he is.. I'm up-front and like holding hands and cuddling,would like a man with the same."

Again, really?!  Do these guys truly think a woman will be drawn to this kind of thing? (yes, these are for real!)

Now, one last suggestion - grammar, punctuation and complete sentences are important, contrary to the opinion of some - these are from actual profiles, too, amazingly:

“ i am very easly scared off as well weather it is a fwb or a ltr i would like to fall in love and see whare we go thank you i grow banana trees “

"A carrying women looking for love, Looking small a women."

I hope some of you out there will take the advice a very normal woman who, while not seriously looking for a relationship at this point (if ever), represents many, many other normal women out there not attached to a man for very good reasons.

What a Burden to Bear...

I'm sitting here at Barnes & Noble in the coffee shop having an Americano and a cookie feeling discouraged about things... this woman came to sit at the table next to me with a young wheelchair bound woman who obviously has mental issues as well as physical, including no comprehensible speech. The caregiver, most likely her mom, is reading to her from her nook, stopping to give the younger one a sip of her frappe every so often...  they only stay for 15-20 minutes, then the mom bundles up her daughter, straps her in to the wheelchair and efficiently wheels her out.  What a burden to bear...

Earlier today, I witnessed what was left of a whole complex of shops burned to the ground just the day before.  Many lost their livelihood and have to rebuild or call it quits - days, weeks, months of clean up and assessing future prospects.  What a burden to bear...

When I think about my own journey of the last few years, I see a burden being carried by my dearest friend that seems even more difficult to bear than the young woman bound to her disability and her chair for life or those having to rebuild their businesses.  I see more heaviness in that situation than for that mother bound to care for her daughter till she's no longer able to do so.  Maybe it seems so much more desperate because I'm so close to it - anyway...

I've seen the gamut of emotions and pain... deep despair and prolonged sadness in the face of rejection and uncertainty, such a soreness of heart that transcends any pain I've ever witnessed or experienced, euphoria at a glimmer of hope, elation at acceptance only to be dashed once again by more rejection, a shoring up of emotions keeping them at a distance.  Memories rise up every day, sometimes every moment of every day reminding her of what we once had.  It would be different and possibly more acceptable if it were a typical relational issue among family or friends, but this involves a spiritual element that takes it all to a much deeper level, a betrayal of trust and friendship, of spiritual mentorship that threatens to undermine her very foundation.

Why?  Why, I ask again... Why does it have to be this way?  Why can't there be resolution or restoration?  Why are there such hard hearts - are those people really Yours?  Was it all a lie and a farce?  How in the world can one move on with such pain?  At this juncture, I don't see it as possible.  So, what then?  Sever connection?  Is that like denying it all?  Bottling it all up, putting it on a shelf?  I don't know, only One knows for sure...

* * * * * * * *

More time has passed since I recorded my thoughts here.  More time working through the events of such a huge part of my life.  Now, new events have eclipsed those of the first writing, though the pain from that will always be a part of my friend and me as well.  Now, new events are shaping my future into something I can't comprehend - more betrayal, more pain to bear, more sadness to be a constant companion, new joys and depth as well... I believe with all my heart that the Holy One is good.  Even when horrendous things happen.  His thoughts are so far above our tiny, finite minds no matter how intelligent any one is or thinks they are.  We can't fathom those thoughts. Period.  I believe He truly 'works all things together for good, for those that are called according to His purpose'.    That's my conclusion...

Hello, I am an ISTJ

Also known as 'The Duty Fulfiller'

You know when you're an ISTJ when:

... you don't listen to other people just because you don't like them.
... you're the silent one during conversations.
... complaining/whining emotionally irritates you (I can whine a bit, though).
... your sudden actions are misinterpreted by others as being "angry" though you're not.
... you prefer office work rather than marketing.
... you have a habit of answering most questions with short and precise answers.
... you darn well know that a proper table should always have four legs.
... you're serious most of the time.
... you're walking one evening and see this lady in a sexy dress with overdone make-up on as she smokes a cigar in front of a motel at 1:00 am - you immediately judge her as a whore and that will remain in your mind for a long, long, long, long time...

*borrowed and tweaked from a forum on ISTJs...

Yeah, I'm afraid so... the good, the bad, and the entertaining!

Not so sure where this fits it, but it's me alright!

Keys

"Beware of the door with too many keys". ~ Portuguese proverb

"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory." ~Rita Mae Brown

"Looks like you've lost the keys to the clue-mobile." ~ Martin Poulter

"If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone." ~Jack Handy

From the Past to the Future

So many memories, so many that I hold dear.

Friendships that evoked laughter and many hours of conversation, singing, listening...

Times of study and questioning, digging deeper into the Scriptures...

Taking on the life style and loving it - that's how my G-d meant me to live... each of these brings a clear image to mind, some sweet memory...

Shabbat

Festivals

Tzitzit

Kiddush

Candle lighting

Blessings

Prayers

Davening

Kaddish

Mezuzah

Shofar

Havdalah

So much meaning in such rich traditions. So many symbols to remind me of the G-d I serve and what He requires of me. I will always carry it with me... I don't have to let the bad taint the good - a struggle it is.

It was real, and it was good while the time was right. That time has passed; now it's time to carry forward all that I gained, let go of the pain ( a lifetime endeavor) - how rich the present and the future, but not to be diminished by the past.

Lesson learned: Trust in G-d, not in man.

"O LORD, the G-d of Israel, there is no god like You in heaven or on earth, keeping covenant and showing lovingkindness to Your servants who walk before You with all their heart..."

~2 Chronicles 6:14

Religion

"The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world."

I've been part of organized religion all my life moving through Catholicism, Assemblies of God, various non-denominational churches, and most recently, Messianic Judaism. Lately, I've been pondering the whys of that. What is it about belonging to a community of believers that has kept me there?

Now, I've always been of the persuasion that I need to live out my beliefs in a community. I do like being part of a group of believers. It has given me a sense of belonging and comfort on a certain level to walk in and be welcomed by friends who live out their faith as I do. It also provides a place to serve, an honor that I truly enjoy.

As I've gone through this journey of faith, I've realized that no matter what group I align myself with, my faith remains constant and, in fact, has grown leaps and bounds as the Master has guided me through the trials of life. You know - those more-than-challenging relational issues whether in my marriage (and we've had our major problems), parenting my Asperger's son (now a teen), family irritations, dealing with people treating me as not so worthy of respect and being downright hateful. Then there's things like the death of a loved one, major hormone imbalance (that makes relationship so much easier, you know...), and struggling with my own immaturity and naivete as I muddled my way through those things.

I have to say that being part of a community of believers so often has made those things much easier to bear - after all, we are to 'bear each others' burdens'.

If I was not in a congregation, would that affect my faith? I might have said 'yes' a few years ago, but now I'm in a place where I'm sure my faith would remain steadfast, that I'd continue to worship and follow my Master no matter where I am. I don't think it's good to go it alone, though. I find it invaluable, even essential, to be in relationship with other believers.

So, let's get back to the question - how can organized religion be dangerous? It has a tendency to have so many extraneous rules and expectations (many unwritten) that can cause so much hurt. To my shame, I've also placed my own narrow views on others and thought less of them if they weren't as narrow as I was. Yes, I say 'was' - Baruch HaShem! He has brought me to a much healthier place now. I do feel compassion (up to a point) for those trapped in that lifestyle as I know how miserable it is. Still, I say 'no excuses for bad behavior' - to quote a friend.

It can be taken to such an extent where things happen that would shake anyone's faith - justice thwarted, lies proliferate, righteous reputations sullied by lack of action, hearts broken, and fear reawakened. Yes, I've seen it - so very sad... and, yes, dangerous. When man-made rules override what is right and good, it is very dangerous.

What to do? Forsake it? Put up with it? Are those the only options? You might say that it depends on whether the benefits outweigh the detriments. It might depend on how close to the fire you are - is it safe? Is it worth the pain?

Or is it really up to me? It may have been worth the pain for a time as one works and prays diligently through difficult circumstances. There may come a time, though, when it gets beyond your control - when it becomes clear that the L-rd is saying 'Move on - it's time. You have accomplished what I had for you to do. Now, I have other plans for you. I will take care of the situation in My way, in My time.'

Sorry, I got a little off track there. Suffice it to say that yes, it can be dangerous, but it doesn't change my faith. Those times cause me to grow and stretch in a way that is always worthwhile if I'm truly seeking to follow the Master.

My Source

Happiness... what is the source of your happiness? What is it that keeps you going, that lights your way? What anchors you in reality?

I've been thinking about that this morning. I've always said that the L-rd is the source of mine. Sure that's true. How real is it to me? Life of late has taken some tortuous turns that bring me to the point of needing to take some serious time for introspection on this.

Certainly, I've experienced those times when He's filled me with His joy as I've prayed, as I've worshiped - whether alone in my car or corporately. I've experienced joy in the midst of trials - that deep inner sense of His presence in spite of horrendous circumstances. All that is real and good. I don't doubt that. He has been right there beside me through it all.

Sometimes, though, I get caught up in the details of tough times and lose my focus. I let those situations drag me down and feed that sense of hopelessness when I don't feel as if anyone cares, or rather those that I think should care act in a way that throws me into a tailspin. Difficult it is to climb out of that.

Then, along comes one who the L-rd has placed strategically to walk me through it. Sometimes, it's several someones. I am so, so grateful for those He sends to walk beside me and or behind me to spur me on. He takes me to just the right Scriptures to read, the right quotes that shout at me, the perfect song that sinks into my soul and heals. Wow... how do I rate? I don't... any more than anyone else.

Okay, as I'm working through this, I can still say that, without a doubt, that my L-rd and Master is the source of my happiness. There is no other like Him. Nothing is real or meaningful without Him. That's such an anchor to keep me in line, keep my perspective clear and light my way.

But let all who take refuge in You be glad,Let them ever sing for joy; and may You shelter them, that those who love Your name may exult in You. ~Psalm 5:11

You will make known to me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy; in Your right hand there are pleasures forever. ~Psalm 16:11

Another Part of the Journey...

I've got a feeling that some of you might be a lot like me in how you go through life. This post is no great shakes, but it's from my own experience. Thanks for reading, my friends.

I've walked through life often unaware of what others thought of me, or at least without a clear idea. Of course, there have been those that I've been close to - they liked me for who I was, we shared fun times together. Over the years most of those friendships have dropped off for various reasons. Was it something I did? Was I seeing more in the relationship than there really was? Did I hurt or offend? Or was it the other way around? Did others see something in me that was lacking?

Of late years, I've spent an inordinate amount of time learning to be more aware of myself and others. Not an easy journey - in fact, downright painful at times.

I've come to see that what I thought were close friendships, in some cases, weren't quite what I thought. That I had issues that affected how people saw me became apparent. I had a view of myself that didn't match what others saw. It amazes me sometimes that certain folks put up with me during those more difficult times - so self-focused I was... I cared about them, of course, but often was too caught up in my own issues.

Through many hard lessons and painful, honest conversations - with a strong, G-d given desire to learn and grow into one who really knows how to love as Messiah does - I can at least say I'm much more aware of myself and others than ever before.

The latest 'time of testing' has been the most challenging of my life so far. Every time I go through one of those times, I come out changed. This time is no exception. Wow... I feel like I'm grossly understating here somehow.

This time, I've taken time to list out what changes I see. Not easy for this middle-aged, average, last born type person. So, here goes:

~ I'm more self- assured

~ emotionally stronger

~ my faith in the L-rd is stronger

~ I see people differently - more objectively

~ I see each person's worth more clearly

~ I can accept people's weaknesses without it changing my opinion of them

~ I hear the Master's voice when I need to

~ I can enter into worship with much less reserve than previously

~ Fear in one area has lost its hold

~ I can openly and honestly tackle difficult situations

~ My opinions matter

~ I have a more realistic view of people

~ I am aware of some people's low opinion of me and can let it go more easily

~ Fasting isn't so hard anymore

~ I've caught a glimpse of what Paul means when he says that 'perseverance produces character, and character produces hope' - can't put it into words yet

~ The only opinion that really matters is that of my Master

~ I have to allow myself time to process and listen

~ Pray and think carefully before responding to challenges

~ When you pray for wisdom, discernment, and stronger faith with sincerity, expecting an answer, it is given. He won't give me a stone when I ask for bread.

And most importantly - I can do nothing without the Almighty, absolutely nothing. Everything I do, say, and think - from taking my next breath, lifting my finger all the way to loving those that are difficult - comes from Him. I can't repent for my sins, can't forgive those who do me harm without Him. Why He cares for me is completely beyond my comprehension. I'm just so very grateful He does.

"...acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you..." ~1 Chronicles 28:9

"I am He who searches hearts and minds..." ~Rev. 2:23

Just Thinkin'...

Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think. ~Robert Henri

Have you considered that if you don't make waves, nobody including yourself will know that you are alive? ~Theodore Isaac Rubin

Searching for the Key...

So much of life is spent looking for the key to happiness, success, fulfillment - whatever you choose to call it. This gave me pause to reflect just a little more...




“I asked God for strength that I might achieve. I was made weak that I might learn humbly to obey. I asked for health that I might do greater things. I was given infirmity that I might do better things. I asked for riches that I might be happy. I was given poverty that I might be wise. I asked for power that I might have the praise of men. I was given weakness that I might feel the need of God. I asked for all things that I might enjoy life. I was given life that I might enjoy all things. I got nothing that I asked for, but everything I hoped for. Almost despite myself, my unspoken prayers were answered. I am, among all men, most richly blessed."

~author unknown

Defining Courage

Courage: the ability to confront fear in the face of danger, uncertainty or intimidation.

Have you ever experienced that rapid, pounding heart that goes along with that twisting knot in your stomach at the thought of doing or saying something? Those risky situations where I have something to lose, like a relationship that I valued, are the quickest to cause that reaction in me. Sometimes, I do lose - an argument, a friend, even a family.

So, is that called courage... when I'm churning so much inside?

I've often wondered if what some have called courage in me is not just conforming to what is most comfortable for me - maybe it's just easier to stay the course rather than step out and do the harder thing - the right thing. Then, again, when I speak those words or do what I'm dreading to do, in spite of that feeling, I think it is courage.

Wait a minute... are we talking about courage or just relational things? Isn't courage the word we use for firefighters, soldiers, and policemen? Oh, yes, those men and women show great bravery, but there are other aspects of life that take a fortitude, too - things that can't be seen by the casual observer.

I see courage when someone, who I know has been beaten down verbally, speaks out in defense of another. Or maybe one who has lived life by very strict standards steps out of their comfort zone and reshapes their thinking - not by compromising those values, but realizing that more ideas fit into those parameters. Then, it might be reaching out to help someone who is difficult to be with, looking past the rough exterior, even the dark inside, and showing kindness.

Continuing to show love and kindness, making yourself vulnerable in the face of rejection and deep, emotional loss is taking courage to yet another level - that's a tough one in my experience. Very few see it - just those with innate intuition and the ones closest to that person.

This quote paints a picture of how I define courage:

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly."
~ Theodore Roosevelt

Metaphor...

"Each choice, the branch of a tree it is: what looked like a decision, is after all, only a pattern of growth."

"Shorn of all foliage, you can see the complex nature of its form. Strong, solid branches, yet delicate and fragile. Set against the backdrop of evening... beautiful, it is."

Defining Failure

"Failure is part of being a Jedi, too. The one who does not have to work hard for his gifts will one day fail, as we all do. He will try his hardest, he will sacrifice everything he has to give, and still he will not win."

~Siri Tachi

I guess I have to accept failure as part of life, too... maybe it's not about winning, but of how we walked the journey - more on that later. In so many ways I have floundered of late... maybe my timing is off, or I use too many words, too few words, or not the right words, or my words cause unintended pain. So hard... so sad.

Sometimes, unexpected, cruel circumstances force their way in - things beyond my control that evoke a reaction in me that takes others by surprise. Some see my response as weakness, or a knee-jerk that I'll be sorry for later; they may even be hurt by my words or actions - wow, that is so hard.

It is never my intention to cause pain for anyone. To know that others are hurt by my words and actions is painful. Talk about feeling like a failure! I agonize over that and apologize over and over hoping to alleviate their distress somehow.

Then what? How do I discern my course of action? Do I let their response affect my decisions? Or let them view my reaction as a failure or a defect in my character? How do I deal with that? Do I let these 'failures' define me? In retrospect, I have let that happen... I've spent so much time trying to act and think like others want me to just to please them and be accepted. And, I've made decisions (not always wise ones) just to make someone feel better.*

Back to the question - then what? Well, on my knees - pray, listen, cry, pray more, listen more, cry some more... listen to the Master's voice. Yes. There comes a time when I absolutely have to stand my ground and continue on the path the L-rd lays out, whatever the cost.

I trust that the Master has things well in hand, is sovereign in all things - big or small - that He "works all things together for good to those who love Him and are called to His purpose". Maybe there's something way bigger at work than my own, little set of circumstances. Perhaps I'm just a small part of a much bigger plan; of that I'm sure, though I may never see the end result.

I hope that even when I do fail, I walk my journey with compassion, empathy, patient endurance, humility, integrity, and courage. I want that to define me.

One last thought: Maybe it's all in how we define failure... maybe those things others see as failures are really times when I've shown courage and strength instead - only the Master really knows my heart after all.

*Please don't hear me say that making others happy is not a worthy goal - obviously, it is. That's just not my point here.

Reflections on Stillness...

"If you refuse to be hurried and pressed, if you stay your soul on God, nothing can keep you from that clearness of spirit which is life and peace. In that stillness you will know what His will is."

~Amy Carmichael

“The quieter you become, the more you can hear.”

~aba Ram Dass

A Worthy Quote...

"Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel."

~Corrie Ten Boom

Fence

Honesty is never seen sitting astride the fence.
~Lemuel K. Washburn

It doesn't matter which side of the fence you get off on sometimes. What matters most is getting off. You cannot make progress without making decisions.
~Jim Rohn

April Flowers

Flowers seem intended for the solace of ordinary humanity. ~John Ruskin

It's About Time

"Life is all about timing... the unreachable becomes reachable,
the unavailable become available, the unattainable... attainable.
Have the patience, wait it out. It's all about timing."
Stacey Charter

"Time is free, but it's priceless. You can't
own it, but you can use it. You can't keep
it, but you can spend it. Once you've lost it
you can never get it back."
Harvey MacKay