In Remembrance

He Who makes peace in His heights

may He make peace upon us and upon all Israel,

and say Amein.

Blessed be the G-d and Father of our L-rd Yeshua HaMashiach

the Father of mercies and G-d of all comfort,

who comforts us in all our afflictions

so that we will be able to comfort those who are in any affliction

with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by G-d.

Today marks two years - losing an entire family... Having them shamefully and cruelly harm one of HaShem's righteous servants is devastating. Walking through that  immense darkness and betrayal with her has been an honor.

"But as for you, you thought evil against me; but God meant it to good..." ~Genesis 50

Community Defined?

What does it really mean to be a 'tight community'?  I've heard groups describe themselves that way.  But what does that really mean?  I thought it meant that members share common beliefs about their faith and families, accept each other as valuable members, share history, work together for the common good, encourage and help each other.  On a more personal level, it might be described as tight if you know:

- their likes and dislikes
- know the families
- what makes them laugh and cry
- what makes them angry
- what they like to do for fun
- their passions
- what makes them crazy
- pet peeves
- family background
- upbringing

Then there's honesty and trust - absolutely imperative. Knowing the differences of each person and being cool with them even if they differ from your own, loving them because of how they differ.  Each person brings something unique to the relationship, whether it's two friends, a group or a whole congregation.  Having each others' best interests at heart is crucial, too.  I mean really, not just sorta or when it's convenient.

I've found, though, that I can know all those things about people only to find out I really don't have any idea what's deep inside when serious situations arise.  I can know all those things about a person, spend many hours and years with them and find that I was dead wrong.  Maybe the group isn't as tight as I thought, or maybe I was under some illusion about my own position in that group (I'm sure that was true).  Could be that I didn't know the right definition of 'tight'.  I figured out that it meant 'willing to compromise what is right and believing whatever you're told'...

So, where does it break down?  Perhaps some just can't bring themselves to reveal their true heart to anyone - rigid training, past hurts or violations of trust and safety, personality traits - whatever the reason, it just won't happen.  Maybe it's projecting on others one's own selfish motives and views.  Maybe it's simply a matter of light vs. darkness. Whatever the cause, it can lead to deceit, manipulation and rigid control.

I do know that it takes hard work, concerted effort on the part of all, willingness to put others' before ourselves - to work through issues as they arise, and much prayer to keep our focus where it belongs to truly have a healthy, close knit community.

*this post was written several months ago and never published as I thought it might make life difficult for some.  Time has passed now, and I feel like I want my two cents out there for whatever it's worth.

A Question and an Answer...

"Surely G-d is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart.

But as for me, my feet had almost slipped; I had nearly lost my foothold. For I envied the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.

They have no struggles; their bodies are healthy and strong. They are free from common human burdens; they are not plagued by human ills. Therefore pride is their necklace; they clothe themselves with violence. From their callous hearts comes iniquity; their evil imaginations have no limits. They scoff, and speak with malice; with arrogance they threaten oppression. Their mouths lay claim to heaven, and their tongues take possession of the earth. Therefore their people turn to them and drink up waters in abundance. They say, “How would G-d know? Does the Most High know anything?”

This is what the wicked are like— always free of care, they go on amassing wealth.

Surely in vain I have kept my heart pure and have washed my hands in innocence. All day long I have been afflicted, and every morning brings new punishments.

If I had spoken out like that, I would have betrayed your children. When I tried to understand all this, it troubled me deeply till I entered the sanctuary of G-d; then I understood their final destiny.

Surely you place them on slippery ground; you cast them down to ruin. How suddenly are they destroyed, completely swept away by terrors! They are like a dream when one awakes; when you arise, LORD, you will despise them as fantasies.

When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but G-d is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near G-d. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds."

~Psalm 73

Shame on Me!

It's my experience that self righteousness and judgment are far more dangerous in a community of faith than more outward things like drug usage, drunkenness, and premarital sex.   (How's that for an opening statement?)

What?!  Am I saying that those other things are acceptable and good?  Absolutely not. That's not at all what I'm saying.  Yes, those issues need to be dealt with - in a merciful, gentle way I might add.

However, it's been my experience both on the giving and receiving end of self-righteousness and judgment that they are far more damaging, more difficult to identify and eradicate, and in no way fulfill the command of the Master to love each other.  

Whoa, you might say... you've acted that way?  Yes, yes - to my shame, I have.  I actually thought I was acting in a way that lived out my beliefs, in a way that honored my G-d... you know, it didn't fool anyone but me.  All it really accomplished was to repel others, strain relationships, and do just the opposite of what I intended.  It revealed a narrow, self-focused view of the world, and a lack of acceptance of others.  For that I am truly sorry...

What lead me to that?  

A little preface sets the scene:  I've spent my whole life being a part of faith communities in various capacities.  From my time in Catholic schools, folk groups, involvement with the 'Jesus People' movement, Catholic Charismata, Assemblies of God, non-denominational churches to my present status of being a Messianic Jew, it's been a huge part of my identity.

Back to the topic at hand:  To begin with, my motives were good - I truly wanted to honor G-d and live as pure a life as I could.  With the limited training I received, fear of things that I didn't understand, and my desire to be accepted by the circles I frequented, I fell into self righteousness over a period of years, more so when those around me did the same.

We're talking things like not watching 'R' rated movies, drinking alcohol, smoking, any language that remotely sounded like cussing to name a few - not only would I not do any of those, I looked down on those who did...  It was a form of self protection, too - I liked my safe, little world where I let in only those things that fit my perspective.

I would only listen to Christian music thinking that if I listened to anything else, it would lessen my faith and make me look 'worldly'.  You know, all it did was make me difficult to be around and turn people off.  I know now that many just tolerated my narrowness.  Can I say, too, that living like that did not really honor the Holy One or fulfill the command to love my neighbor as myself?  It certainly made my immaturity apparent.

How in the world can I truly show compassion for others and love unconditionally with that kind of world view?  I can say from experience that it's a very selfish way to live. As I've gone through tough times in my marriage, raising a child with Asperger's, been on the receiving end of the self righteousness of others (how ironic), the L-rd, in His mercy, has forced me out of that destructive life style.  Every step of the way, He's orchestrated events and people to lovingly bring me to a healthier, more mature way of living.  Please don't hear me say I've arrived at perfection!  Far from it!

So, let's talk about being on the receiving end of this destructive behavior. Remember, we're dealing with self-righteousness, judgment, and let's add resentment to the list, too.   I've had to step away from congregations because it was so intense - aimed at those I love and myself.  Can I just say that self righteousness is unrighteous?  It's hurtful and not at all complying with the command to love each other as the Master commands.

Like I said before, it's ironic that I ended up on the other side of where I was - tough lessons to learn they are.  Now, I know about working through the process of forgiving those who have wronged me, letting go of resentment, and having compassion for those entangled in the very place I have been.  Again, not a simple, pain free journey.  It's been a journey of many years, many hours of 'counseling' with my bestie and others, many hours on my knees...

I have to say, though, that it's been worth it all - the Holy One has walked me through every step showing me  His might, His sovereignty, His glory as I strive to serve Him.  He is so worthy of all my praise (like He needs my validation).


Blessed are You, O L-rd, my G-d, for Your constant care in even the most trivial aspects of my life. Please help me to love others as You love me. Grant me compassion for the weak and hurting who so often lash out in their pain. Please show me when I act unbecomingly, when I hurt others - cause me to repent and make it right, to obey You no matter what it costs.  Thank You, my Master.  b'shem Yeshua.

“The tendency to turn human judgments into divine commands makes religion one of the most dangerous forces in the world.”

Potlucks

Potlucks?!  Now, I'm positive I've been to more than most of you - no braggin' here, just a fact.  Let's see...

52 weeks in a year, 2 potlucks every Shabbat for approximately 8 years, plus at least 8 festival potluck meals each year.  That's about 888 potlucks.  Then add about 4 more years of just one potluck per week plus the 8 festival meals.  That's another 236 potlucks for a grand total of 1114 potlucks in the last 12ish years.  I'm sure I've missed a few in there somewhere...

Now, add to that food prep, set-up and clean-up for all those potlucks... okay, I'm exhausted already and it's not even noon yet.

Did I mention wedding and baby showers, weddings, Passover (not really a potluck, but lots of work), and the occasional conference?  No, well, let's not add those in right now.

Now to finish those cookies for tomorrow's potluck!

So You Call Yourself a Leader?

I've been part of many congregations over the last 45 years or so ( yeah, it's amazing how those years creep up on you).  In that time, I've had many an opportunity to observe and work along side leaders.  Over all, I have to say that most of them took their responsibilities very seriously and did their absolute best to be upright and godly.



Unfortunately, there have been a few who took me by surprise to put it mildly.  Things like lying, arrogance, manipulation, covering up sin, employing a double standard, falsely accusing, redefining important terms like lashon hora (gossip) and slander, lack of compassion -  I just didn't expect those things from men in that kind of position. In fact, it was downright shocking, hurtful, and absolutely egregious.  As I've been thinking about it after my latest experience, I came across this quote - pretty succinct, isn't it?

"The vocation of ministry carries such responsibility and demands great compassion – which cannot be manufactured. There is no other job or position in which people allow you into living rooms, hospital rooms and often the darkest places of their lives. And frankly, there are very few jobs that require the amount of love and compassion it takes to truly and effectively care for God’s people. Consequently, to be a leader today requires the constant remembrance of this awesome privilege and the trust that is granted."

So, what does the L-rd  say about those who shepherd His people?  Whether you're in a synagogue or a church, these apply:

"You shall select out of all the people able men who fear God, men of truth, those who hate dishonest gain." ~Ex. 18:21

"wise and experienced men" ~Deut. 1:15

"Then I will give you shepherds after My own heart, who will feed you on knowledge and understanding." ~Jer. 3:15

"And He said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them; and those who have authority over them are called 'Benefactors.' But it is not this way with you, but the one who is the greatest among you must become like the youngest, and the leader like the servant. For who is greater, the one who reclines at the table or the one who serves? Is it not the one who reclines at the table? But I am among you as the one who serves." ~Luke 22:25-27

"I am the good shepherd; the good shepherd lays down His life for the sheep." ~John 10:11

"He who is a hired hand, and not a shepherd, who is not the owner of the sheep, sees the wolf coming, and leaves the sheep and flees, and the wolf snatches them and scatters them." ~Matt. 10:12

"Seeing the people, He felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dispirited like sheep without a shepherd." ~Matt. 9:36 

"Do not be called leaders; for One is your Leader, that is, Messiah. But the greatest among you shall be your servant." ~Matt. 23:10-11

"Here is a trustworthy saying: Whoever aspires to be an overseer desires a noble task. Now the overseer is to be above reproach, faithful to his wife, temperate, self-controlled, respectable, hospitable, able to teach, not given to drunkenness, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money... He must also have a good reputation with outsiders, so that he will not fall into disgrace and into the devil’s trap." ~1Timothy 3

"So Messiah himself gave the apostles, the prophets, the evangelists, the pastors and teachers, to equip his people for works of service, so that the body of Messiah may be built up." ~Eph. 4:11-12

"Keep watch over yourselves and all the flock of which the Ruach HaKodesh has made you overseers. Be shepherds of the church of G-d, which he bought with his own blood." ~Acts 20:28

"Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account." ~Heb. 13:17

"...rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: Love your neighbor as yourself." ~Gal. 5:13-14

I've concluded that leaders/shepherds have a huge responsibility given by G-d.  They:

~need the support and prayers of those they serve.

~need encouragement and to be shown compassion.

~will be held to a higher standard.

~must be held accountable for how they fulfill their duties.

~must be humble.

~must have a servant's heart.

~must have compassion for those they serve.

~must set the example for those they serve.

~must not hesitate to act righteously.

~must take responsibility for their words and actions.

As I said before, I'm glad that most of the leaders I've encountered do their utmost to exemplify this.  I have great respect and compassion for those men and pray for them as I do for those who have fallen so short of the job description.  

A Closer Look at...

As one who has spent many years in a Jewish community, I am all too familiar with the term lashon hara - literally 'evil speech'. It has a more serious twist to it than mere gossip from what I've read - it's defined as the prohibition in Jewish Law of telling gossip. It is focused on the use of true speech for a wrongful purpose. I've also seen it defined as maligning others, or talking about a situation with the intent to put someone in a bad light - both of which are valid, in my opinion.

Perhaps by taking a hard, close look at what it is, what it looks like, why people do it, and when speaking out is fitting and right will help in some small way.

What is lashon hara in practical terms?

~ telling lies about another - or partial truths. Leaving out crucial information can be so damaging; it's the same as lying in my book.

~ reading more into a situation than is there and spreading that as truth. For example, seeing the look in someone’s eyes and making an assumption about what it means, or seeing a close friendship and making it out to be something perverse. So hurtful and wrong...

~ telling about the bad behavior of someone to make others think ill of that person and make yourself out to be more upright. You know, you name names and say it somewhere public or to someone you know will spread it further.

~ putting a negative, uninformed twist on someone's activities or actions that ends up with false accusations. That can taint someone's reputation...

~ revealing confidences that malign that person’s character. Maybe a twist is added - just enough untruth to make it look really bad.

~ keeping silent about a situation is part of it, too. Maybe your words would help heal, save someone heartache, or call someone to repentance... but you kept silent. That's hard to live with, knowing you could've said something to help or defend.

~ believing something derogatory about someone who has always exhibited righteous behavior and strong faith. Wow - that’s not right… maybe you even act on it and accuse the person of something without checking.

~ assuming that someone is actually committing lashon hora without really checking the facts, then spreading it to others. Assumptions can be dangerous...

Why do people speak lashon hara?

~ maybe they’re angry or hurt by a situation or a person, so they lash out at someone who seems to have it easy.

~ or, they want to make others think badly of someone - assassination of character, in other words. Purposeful, this is - they really want someone to be done in.

~ perhaps it makes a person feel better about themselves somehow to cut another down because they feel so inadequate and small themselves.

~ jealousy of another who is more talented, better looking, is in a coveted position, or whatever reason. Jealousy is more prevalent than some might like to admit.

~ self-righteousness - this involves a need to point out another's faults under the impression that the accuser is just a little more righteous than others. To my shame, I know just a bit about what that looks like from my own past behavior...




Is it ever appropriate and good to speak about people’s bad behavior?

Yes! Most often we do it privately with our own support circle for the sake of working through the problem in a healthy way. We all need that support circle where we can talk openly and honestly without fear of being judged and criticized. I don't categorize this as lashon hara as there is no 'wrongful purpose'.

There are times that unrighteousness just has to be called out in a more public way, too. Even our Master called out things like hypocrisy - he didn’t sugar coat it either! He said some very harsh things about the leaders of the synagogues - He even called them a ‘brood of vipers‘ and ‘whitewashed sepulchers full of dead men‘s bones‘ as well as this:

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cumin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.” ~Matt. 23:23

Then, we have Paul making pretty bold statements even to using names! A warning so others don’t fall prey to the schemes of someone out to do harm:

“Alexander the coppersmith did me much harm; the L-rd will repay him according to his deeds.” ~2Tim. 4:14

“Beware of the dogs, beware of the evil workers, beware of the false circumcision…" ~ Phil. 3:2

We also have Ananias complaining to the L-rd about Paul - he calls out Paul’s transgressions clearly:

“But Ananias answered, ‘Lord, I have heard from many about this man, how much harm he did to Your saints at Jerusalem.’” ~Acts 19:13

So, yes, it is right and good to call out unrighteousness and sin - even in a public forum. Not all things should be aired that way, obviously. There is a time and place for it, though. Why, you might ask, is that necessary? Well, let's take a look at some possible answers.

~ to warn others to avoid getting involved with someone who will do them harm. This is surely an instance where silence is wrong.

“Do not participate in the unfruitful deeds of darkness, but instead even expose them.” ~ Eph 5:11

~ to call others to a higher standard of righteousness. Don’t act badly - do the right thing! We all need to be exhorted and encouraged to persevere.

“Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.” ~I Thess. 5:11

~ to give concrete examples of what unrighteous behavior is. Too often that kind of thing is stated in abstract terms that are hard to grasp. I find it helpful when I read or hear of the personal experience of others who deal with the same issues I do. I'm not alone in my pursuit of righteousness!

~ Our experiences with it can help others to avoid such things. I spend time every day doing some self-examination. L-rd, is there anything in my life that is not pleasing to You?

I've also seen the concept misused to the point where you can't say anything about anybody even if it's good and complimentary, or just making an observation like 'she's pretty stubborn' or 'he's in a mood'. Then again, I've seen a double standard applied - what one says is lashon hara, but if someone else says the same thing or something worse, it's not. Judge for yourself on those...

All this to say that I want to be so very careful about what I say. I want my L-rd to examine my every thought and motive and show me where I need to repent, change my ideas, or whatever is needed so that I can serve Him better wherever He places me.

“So then, while we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, and especially to those who are of the household of the faith.”
~Gal. 6:10

Watch, Wait, and Keep On Walking...

The last several months I've spent countless hours sorting through some serious issues in my life. You know, those tough relational things that seem to have no answers no matter how hard we try - circumstances beyond our control. I've spent a tremendous amount of time praying, too. I've asked several times 'What do I do next?' The answer has repeatedly been 'Watch, wait, and keep on walking'. So, that's what I've done. Yeah, it sounds so easy, doesn't it?

I have to admit that waiting hasn't exactly been something I'm all that skilled at... in fact, I've been horrible at it. Jumping ahead without thinking things through all the ramifications has been my modus operandi. Oh, you, too? So glad I'm not alone!

I've had to really learn to clear my mind of all distractions and my own agenda to hear my Master speak. That is tough, let me tell you! Daily, I struggle with doubts, deep sadness, stormy emotions, no emotions (stuffing them, you know), choices I've made - did I do the right thing, was my timing way off? Did I hear right?

Okay, so once my mind is quiet enough to hear the Master, do I? That's a resounding yes! I am learning to really know my Master's voice - there's no denying it. We're supposed to be able to hear Him after all. So, what does He say? First, He does give me clear direction and the wisdom I've been seeking. Man, when you ask for wisdom, hang on to your hat! It opens your eyes to what's really going on around you. Then, He's also gigged me on total surrender and trust. Wow - that's serious stuff! Have I been lacking so much? Apparently. Yes, I have to say yes...

So, slogging through my not-so-concrete thoughts, what am I taking away?

Maturity

Strength to stand for righteousness

Surrender to whatever the Master asks of me

Trust that He really does have things well in hand

Unconditional love and forgiveness

Stronger faith

Deeper, closer relationship with my Master

Stronger, deeper friendships

Repentance for lack of trust

What it means to truly serve

How to bear anothers' burdens

When to say 'enough' and move on
How to identify what I've been internalizing and letting it out
Letting go of my expectations and pre-conceived ideas
Deep gratitude
The value of reflection and meditation

I have to say, no one really wants to go through what it takes to gain all that - trust me, it's beyond tough. Now, it sounds like I've got it all down, and it's a done deal. Not true. I don't think we're ever really finished learning these kinds of things, but we're given opportunity to practice them again and again... and again... and again. You get the idea. And, they are all things I did not earn, but are precious gifts from my L-rd and Master.

"The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”


"...so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen."

A Meditative Moment...

"Thus meditating you will no longer strive to build yourself up in your prejudices, but, forgetting self, you will remember only that you are seeking the Truth."

I sit here at my computer after a day of quiet here at home. As much as I love to travel and be on the go, sometimes I just have to allow myself a day like this (I really buck it, though). Am I getting old or what? Not something I care to do just yet...

Maybe I should've forced myself to do more (you know, those mundane tasks are always there). However, I've just given myself permission to take it slow and easy. Anyway, many thoughts have occupied my mind today...

~ Why do some not deal with problems openly and head on? Have to say, I've been in that boat too much of my life. Let me tell you it's fraught with problems. Just ignoring things like sin or people who seem to have more than their fair share of problems doesn't solve anything. Believe me, I know... Better to have things out in the open rather than repressed and unsolved in my view. I do realize I'm speaking in generalities.

~ How do we truly help each other when someone's hurting? Somehow, I don't think it takes the form of not being able to talk about problems for fear of being accused of lashon hara (gossip). Sure that can be a problem, but so often we (I) just need a listening ear to bounce my concerns off of as well as needing a perspective other than my own. I think motivation is the key here.

~ Friendship - what does that really look like? I've spent many hours pondering this one. Is it okay for a man and woman who aren't married to be friends? I think so. So few seem to know how to really be a friend - maybe it's just the circles I'm in.

~ Can a man be taught by a woman in the community of believers? I used to be pretty narrow on this one - now, it's not a problem in my view. G-d has gifted a good many women with being excellent teachers. Why would He give that gift if it wasn't to be used? And, we no longer live in the first century - our culture is so different now.

~ Prayer - how do you really 'pray without ceasing'? I've found that I end up talking with the Master so often throughout the day, noticing the ceaseless miracles all around me - He's just so present with me all the time that it's not a stretch to say I understand it now.

~ Worship - Oh, how I've missed really good corporate worship! Recently, I've had opportunity to experience that again - what a tremendous blessing! Even singing in the car with another believer can be so sweet.

~ Leadership in a congregation can be so political. It's impossible to make everyone happy, I know - especially when you're dealing with less than mature people. It's just one more example of how difficult relationship can be. You know, I think it's the hardest part of life. I could rant quite a long time on this topic... best let it go.

~ That leads to another thing. Letting go of those situations, thoughts, and feelings that hinder our growth is so blasted difficult. The crux of this for me is to not let my attachment to places and people hinder my judgement or interfere with obeying the Master. So very hard... I have to trust that He works all things out in His timing and in His way - not mine.

~ Well, that leads to something else - hearing the Master's voice. How do you know when He's telling you something? I'm learning so much about this realizing I've been hearing Him all my life directing, disciplining, encouraging, and loving me. It's all in expecting to hear from Him when I ask a question. I just know when I'm getting an answer. I know that sounds weird, but it's something I just can't explain rationally.

~ Compassion - our Master is nothing but compassionate with us. So, we should show the same to others. To my shame, I've not always done that... I am so grateful for His forgiveness.

Grief

"All truly wise thoughts have been thought already, thousands of times; but to make them truly ours, we must think them over again honestly, till they take firm root in our personal experience."

von Goethe

So, I express my own thoughts about grief as our dear Rose was taken by the Master today. I am so honored to have been there to help her in her time of need.

Why do I grieve when I know the one who has passed is free from pain and sorrow? I know Rose is in a far better place - in the presence of the Master is where I long to be, too. She no longer has to suffer through the pain and anguish of cancer. I am not sad about that. However, the tears still flow. Those of us left here are still to go on with life (some things can't be solved by death).

So, why does the grief force it's way out? Perhaps it's all the memories I have of our time with her:

- Trips to the doctor, chemo, radiation, ER, and the hospital.

- Running errands, getting a treat that she wanted, trips up and down the stairs, carrying all the stuff to make those chemo sessions more comfortable, taking her to shul and home again.

- And listening - to many questions that have no solid answers, to stories of her childhood and so many aspects of her journey through life ( so much of it so sad), to anguish, her fears, frustrations, her confusion, her tears.

- Even when we weren't able to be there, HaShem provided those she needed.

Now, it's time to work through my grief and what have I learned through it all. I've gained so much from spending time with Rose, seeing life from her point of view, and from Liz - watching and learning how to serve wholeheartedly.

- how to show true compassion and comfort and unconditional love, even to those who are difficult.

- how much better it is to have a close friend to share the task.

- how to advocate for someone.

- how to persevere and look at things and people from another perspective.

- how to give beyond what I thought I could.

- the medical community is so competent and knowledgeable, most have compassion and just want to help.

- having a point person to coordinate folks helping makes things run so smoothly.

- that no matter how well things are organized, something unexpected or unpleasant will more than likely throw a kink in the works.

- to keep focused on the task and not be distracted by people or circumstances.

- that our G-d uses all kinds of people and circumstances to speak to us.

- to take time to research things out and use common sense to help me discern what's worth listening to and what's not.

- that people reveal their true selves over time.

- that it's best not to know some things.

- how truly limited I am in my own strength.

- how awesomely wonderful our G-d is! He works things out just the way He intends in spite of us.

- t0 see life and death with new eyes.

I realize some of these lessons don't seem to relate to the situation, but they do as so many things have gone on around and through this time.

So, now the mission is done over two years later. My dear friend and I are so thankful to have been allowed to serve - it has been an honor and a privilege I have to say. Thank you, dear Rose - I love you.

Delayed Reaction...

For some reason known only to the Master, I tend to be a little slow to react to situations that are stressful. You know, a delayed reaction kind of thing. Well, it's been building for while - now I'm ready for a vent.

I am just heart-broken over the lack of integrity I see in certain situations. Why, oh why is it so hard for some to set aside their reserve, their pride, or whatever and just be real? Or honest with themselves. Can't they see how their words, or lack thereof, hurt others? I think this kind of thing goes across the board in all the facets of my life, though I'm most concerned about those closest to me - family and faith community.

What hope have we for the next generation if we can't deal with difficult things appropriately? Maybe I'm just too close to fire - I do love my community and am fully committed to it, but it is a constant frustration seeing situations neglected or dealt with ineffectually, or better yet, passed on to someone else to deal with.

I realize I have much to learn still about dealing with such things myself. I'm seeking the wisdom only HaShem can give, taking time to step back and examine my own heart, learning to do and say the hard things. Not fully there yet by any means...

Man, I certainly left out all the details, but that works for now - I'll save that for the unpublished posts...

May our sovereign L-rd open the eyes of the blind, grant faith to those who lack, and wisdom where there is none.