Recount

Be strong and let your heart take courage, all you who hope in the LORD. ~Psalm 31:24

As we usher in a new year, I look back on this past year with amazement. So much has changed for me and those I love most. For this post, though, I want to write about my personal journey that began so long ago, 29 years to be exact...

Relationship is always risky I've found.  I took that risk certain that I would succeed where others had failed, after all, we were both believers, right?  I was so inexperienced, so immature but with a cocky confidence that we'd each do our fair share in making it a healthy vibrant example of a godly marriage.  Well, let's just say it didn't work out quite that way. I know, too, that neither of us intended or expected to end up in this place so many years ago. We both had high hopes and shared good times... too much damage was done, though, whether intentional or not, only One knows for sure.

Honestly, I never really expected to be here now; I knew it was coming, but didn’t know exactly when or what would precipitate it. My own journey has been an emotional roller coaster of guilt, shame, and fear. Suffering from depression and anxiety, desperately wanting wholeness of mind and a restored relationship, the shock of reality gradually dawned on me. I continued trying to function normally through it all, finally laying down pride to seek professional help; then began the rigorous climb back to wholeness.  That will take some time...

I truly love those I left behind. That is what makes it so hard. I've been told that doing the loving and kind thing for myself is also doing the loving and kind thing for others, too. So, I have broken the destructive cycle for us all.

Sad it is to lose what I thought I had, but it was only an illusion created in my mind as I hoped for what every woman wants – love, respect and emotional security.  I can't shift all the blame, though.  I certainly have had my issues as well. In fact, there is no need for blame at all. It is what it is.  Some may say I failed, that I ran away.  I really didn’t intend to leave for good when I drove away that day.  I knew I needed to get away for a while to where I felt emotionally safe so that I wouldn't slip back into that deadly cycle.  In the end, I would give in and take on the blame and guilt for the relationship not working, always feeling inadequate and not worthy.  But, when I started down Highway 16, I heard the words ‘You’re never going back’…

Days spent talking, praying, crying (tears of pain and anger), remembering – oh, so many memories from decades of that vicious cycle. I made the hard but necessary decision:  dissolution (how apt a term they use these days).  What a painful process - I’m dissolutioned alright. The hardest part has been letting go of guilt, fear, and control. Twisted it is that those very things that hold us captive are the hardest to release. I'll always carry sadness with me on some level - it's part of me now. I have heard it said, though, that even if you love someone, sometimes you just can't live with them.

Without my closest friends and family to counsel me, to hold me when I was drowning in grief, to dry my tears and ply me with comfort and admonitions to cut myself some slack and to kick me in the butt back to reality, I would never have made it this far.  Most of all, the mercy of the Holy One granted the precious gift of faith and His strength - He took me by the hand each step of the way providing His unconditional love through those I am honored to count as my friends.  

When I was younger, I was of the opinion that divorce was shameful, something believers did not do. As I strove to remain in an unhealthy relationship, my view began to change as I became aware and able to look at the stark reality of my life more objectively.  Did G-d really want me to keep trying to make this work?  The cost has been so very high...  I realize now that I was very near a complete mental breakdown.

As I read article after article seeking wisdom and encouragement, I came across this quote from an orthodox Jewish site: "Divorce, like an amputation, is a tragedy, but sometimes it's the right thing to do." The article goes on to expound on some guidelines for this last resort.  I couldn't agree more.

I believe, too, Yeshua's words that the get was given due to the hardness of men's hearts. Yes, Scripture also says that G-d hates divorce, but have you ever read the following verse in that passage?

“The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the L-rd, the G-d of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect,” says the L-rd Almighty. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful." ~ Malachi 2:16

No, I did not fail or run away.  I did not abandon my responsibilities as some would think.  I left a place of oppression that had pushed me over the edge, and I fulfilled my responsibilities as I vowed to do. Now, I have been granted the gift of a new beginning.

So, here I stand at the threshold of the future, my future. Now, I'm learning to live with the pain and sadness of the past, gaining wholeness of heart and mind by the great and unsearchable grace of the Holy One. I'm in a home where we respect and love each other without strings attached, and peace fills every corner. I am so grateful.

"Adonai our G-d, we give thanks to You and recount Your praise for our lives which are committed into Your hand, and for our souls which are entrusted to You..."