Well, it's been quite a roller coaster ride this time around. Why are some episodes so much worse than others? Why am I so unaware of the state of my mind and the words that come out of my mouth when the hormones rage out of control? I absolutely hate it! When I finally become aware, I'm so concerned about hurting those I love that it seems to make the whole thing worse, then I end up trying too hard. Did I mention that I hate it?
Then, there's a stage when I'm painfully aware of all that's going on - tears, irritation, more tears, lack of focus, prayer ( actually I'm doing that the whole time), fatigue, anger that I can't seem to shake it, more tears, a moment of normalcy, then more tears - yep, it all seems better, then more tears. Even my 'happy pills' don't cut through it sometimes - they take the edge off, and calm the emotions some, but nothing I try seems to work.
Just writing it out helps me take a more objective look at it - solution? Keep working on awareness? I'm at a loss. I can only say right now that I'm glad to be on the other side of it for now.
You know, roller coaster really isn't the right term - that's something that's supposed to be fun. This isn't. Maybe 'Side Trip to Hell' is more apt.
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"For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
I will praise You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.
How precious also are Your thoughts to me,
O God!
How great is the sum of them!
If I should count them,
they would be more in number than the sand;
When I awake, I am still with You."
Well, I didn't quote the psalm in its entirety, but the whole passage was running through my mind as I read your words. When the body isn't feeling so wonderfully made, it comforts me to remember that He knows my frame.
I love you, my friend.
Thanks, Kev. :o)
Isn't the up and down thing bipolar? I know I'm on this same ride every flipping day. No meds to calm me down. I'm always in panic mode these days. It sucks. :(
Sometimes I can throw my hands in the air and ride with you, but other times I'm just want my friend back.
I hate roller coasters, I've decided.
All that doesn't mean I love you any less though, my Padawan. :-)
You know, you might try something like St. Johns Wort for mood swings, J. My problem is just my stage of life - premenopause.
My dearest friend, I am so thankful that you just continue to hang in there with me through it all. :o)
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