Another Part of the Journey...

I've got a feeling that some of you might be a lot like me in how you go through life. This post is no great shakes, but it's from my own experience. Thanks for reading, my friends.

I've walked through life often unaware of what others thought of me, or at least without a clear idea. Of course, there have been those that I've been close to - they liked me for who I was, we shared fun times together. Over the years most of those friendships have dropped off for various reasons. Was it something I did? Was I seeing more in the relationship than there really was? Did I hurt or offend? Or was it the other way around? Did others see something in me that was lacking?

Of late years, I've spent an inordinate amount of time learning to be more aware of myself and others. Not an easy journey - in fact, downright painful at times.

I've come to see that what I thought were close friendships, in some cases, weren't quite what I thought. That I had issues that affected how people saw me became apparent. I had a view of myself that didn't match what others saw. It amazes me sometimes that certain folks put up with me during those more difficult times - so self-focused I was... I cared about them, of course, but often was too caught up in my own issues.

Through many hard lessons and painful, honest conversations - with a strong, G-d given desire to learn and grow into one who really knows how to love as Messiah does - I can at least say I'm much more aware of myself and others than ever before.

The latest 'time of testing' has been the most challenging of my life so far. Every time I go through one of those times, I come out changed. This time is no exception. Wow... I feel like I'm grossly understating here somehow.

This time, I've taken time to list out what changes I see. Not easy for this middle-aged, average, last born type person. So, here goes:

~ I'm more self- assured

~ emotionally stronger

~ my faith in the L-rd is stronger

~ I see people differently - more objectively

~ I see each person's worth more clearly

~ I can accept people's weaknesses without it changing my opinion of them

~ I hear the Master's voice when I need to

~ I can enter into worship with much less reserve than previously

~ Fear in one area has lost its hold

~ I can openly and honestly tackle difficult situations

~ My opinions matter

~ I have a more realistic view of people

~ I am aware of some people's low opinion of me and can let it go more easily

~ Fasting isn't so hard anymore

~ I've caught a glimpse of what Paul means when he says that 'perseverance produces character, and character produces hope' - can't put it into words yet

~ The only opinion that really matters is that of my Master

~ I have to allow myself time to process and listen

~ Pray and think carefully before responding to challenges

~ When you pray for wisdom, discernment, and stronger faith with sincerity, expecting an answer, it is given. He won't give me a stone when I ask for bread.

And most importantly - I can do nothing without the Almighty, absolutely nothing. Everything I do, say, and think - from taking my next breath, lifting my finger all the way to loving those that are difficult - comes from Him. I can't repent for my sins, can't forgive those who do me harm without Him. Why He cares for me is completely beyond my comprehension. I'm just so very grateful He does.

"...acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek Him, He will be found by you..." ~1 Chronicles 28:9

"I am He who searches hearts and minds..." ~Rev. 2:23